THEY MUST NOT READ MY BLOG

On a daily basis I receive a fairly large amount of spam e-mail. On the basis of which I can understand what the spambrains think of me. Or at least what they fondly imagine that I am.



PROFILE

I am a short middle-aged bald person with a tiny penis and mediocre breasts, who is passionately interested in Britney Spears naked and the sex-lives of female celebritities. I need more fake watches, university degrees, and designer handbags. Plus excercise equipement, diet pills, and a tummy tuck.

And I want money desperately - hence the lottery e-mails from Europe and bank-account queries from Africa. As well as the circulars telling me to buy this stock now now now before Wall Street discovers it.

Lonely girls in Russia wish to share their vacation photos (I think that's what those are) with me, and I must learn one foreign language right now while I sleep - probably so that I can communicate with my insta-girlfriend in ANY city in the continental United States.

Quite the portrait, eh?



JEEBUS

Oh, and apparently I am a Christian. This according to Amazon, who cannot figure out that someone who buys Toratot (well, chumeshim), commentaries, and biographies of rabbis, as well as much stuff about the Talmud, may, probably, with a certain degree of likelihood, not be passionately committed to the best Christian fiction of 2008.

Echt. And b'emmes.

I am in gonzen not interested in reading about the first tentative married steps of a shy young virgin with Jesus in her heart. The uplift, the end of days, and the mark of the beast are not major themes I look for in romance fiction. Feeling sadness for those who are left behind in massive car-crashes on the freeway, after the heavens rain fire and blood, is not an emotion that figures heavily in my appreciation of paperback novels.
In fact, unlike you I could probably go for weeks without needing the words Christ, sin, Eden, rapture, salvation, Revelations, and The Damned. Normally they do not figure prominently in my vocabulary.


The only prolonged conversation I've had in recent years about Jesus was when I explained to a coworker that Torah study with a friend did not, would not, and never had, involved her dear lord in any way imaginable. Jesus and Torah study do not go hand in hand. They are in fact more or less mutually exclusive. This surprised her, and she barely spoke to me for at least the next two years. I believe she still wonders when I'll burst into flames.

It is a darned good thing that the coworker in question does not read my blog. She might take to wearing garlic and silver if she did.



READ THIS NOW

If many people had read my blog, it would have saved them much time and effort.
Hundreds of people in west-Africa might have realized that all the heartfelt missives they sent me over the years have fallen on deaf eyes. I am not their target audience.
The lonely Russian girls would know that I am only interested if they are petite, have dark hair, and blush prettily.
Amazon would cease telling me about wholesome Protestant novellas.
Various people in major European cities would know that I do not gamble, and have not played any games of chance outside of California.
The sellers of herbal supplements, breast enhancers, and three inch augmentifiers would appreciate that I am an enormous hairy manly man built like a rampaging stallion, and the Christians would grasp the utter nonsense of their ideology.


If you have sent me any of the spam mentioned above, please stop.
I do not need it.


I am only interested in panties, wombats, blushing schoolgirls, and elderly rabbis. Whether you want to sell these to me, or merely show me zesty pictures, is up to you.

TWO MORE LOVELY SOLICITATIONS

I have received two more lovely letters kindly requesting my assistance.

The basic argument of both epistles is that if I help the writer commit an illegal and unethical act, I will receive a percentage.

I'm sure I will.

Here are both letters.

Letter 1.

MR. SAMUEL AMAGO,
THE SENIOR AUDITOR INCHARGE
FOREIGN REMITTANCE UNIT,
BANK OF AFRICA{BOA}.
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.


Dear Friend,

I presumed that all is well with you and your family. Please let this not be a surprise message to you because i got your contact information from the international directory few weeks ago before i decided to contact you on this magintude and lucrative transaction for our present and future survival in life. Moreover, i have laid all the solemn trust in you before i decided to disclose this successful & confidential transaction to you.

I am the senior Auditor Incharge of Foreign Remittance Unit of our bank and i decided to contact you for this financial transaction worth fifteen Million, United States dollar ($15m) for our present and future success. This is an abandoned fund that belongs to one of our bank foreign customers who died along with his entire family through plane crash few years ago.
Meanwhile i was very fortune to come across the deceased file when i was
arranging the old and abandoned customers files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official re-documentation and audit of the year against 2006.

Informed clearly that it was stated in our Foreign banking rules and regulations which was signed lawfully that if such fund remains unclaimed till the period of 4 years started from the date when the beneficiary died, the money will be transferred into the treasury as an unclaimed fund. However, it is not authorized by the rules guiding our bank for a citizen of Burkina Faso to make the claim of the fund unless you are a foreigner no matter the country. So the request of you as a foreigner is necessary to apply for the claim and transfer of the fund smoothly into your reliable bank account as the next of kin to the deceased.

When the fund is transferred into your account, { 36% } Thirty Six Percent will be for you in respect of all your assistance for the transfer of the fund into your account and provision of the bank account where the bank will remit the fund,{ 56% } Fifty Six Percent will be for me being the pioneer of the business while the rest { 8% } eight Percent will be shared to respectable Organisations such as Charity , Motherless Babies Homes, and helpless disabled people arround us in the World.

If you are really sure of your, Trustworthiness, Accountability and confidentiality on this transaction, contact me and accept not to change your mind to cheat, or disappoint me when the fund is transferred into your account. So reply for the assurance with your telephone and fax numbers necessary to facilitate an easy communication. As soon as you reply, you notify me so that i will let you know the next steps and procedures to follow in order to finalize this transaction immediately.

I expect your urgent communication.

Yours sincerely,



MR SAMUEL AMAGO.
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Letter 2.

MR MR ERIC MACUS,
CREDIT MUTUAL DU SENEGAL BANK GROUP
DAKAR SENEGAL
ericmacus@safe-mail.net
Telephone:+221-525-1855

FOR YOUR ATTENTION ONLY


I AM MR Paul Cooper, A SOUTH AFRICAN WORKING WITH SENEGAL BRANCH OF CREDIT MUTUAL DU SENEGAL AS THE MANAGER. I HUMBLY WISH TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN A MATTER THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME WHICH REQUIRES UTMOST URGENCY AND CONFIDENTIALITY.I WANT TO START INVESTMENT WITH THE SUM OF($9.000 000) NINE MILLION UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLARS IN YOUR COUNTRY OR ANY OTHER COUNTRY WITH GOOD ECONOMIC STABILITY AND POLITICAL CLIMATE YOU MAY RECOMMEND. I SHALL BE INTERESTED IN REAL ESTATES, HOTEL BUSINESS, STOCKS & BONDS OR ANY OTHER BUSINESS YOU MIGHT RECOMMEND.


THIS MONEY EMANATE AFTER MY BANK WAS BURNT DOWN FEW WEEKS AGO. A LOT OF LOSES WERE IN CURED BOTH IN CASH AND DOCUMENTATIONS. BEFORE THE FIRE INCIDENCE, WE HAD IN CASH A FOREIGN EXCHANGE TO TURN OF NINE MILLION UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLARS. AFTER THE FIRE ACCIDENT, THE BOARD OF THE BANK SUMMONED ME TO ACCOUNT FOR DAMAGES. I DECLARED THAT THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE WAS COMPLETELY BURNT. BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT THE MONEY IS SAFE IN MY PERSONAL CUSTODY.


FOR OBVIOUS REASONS I CANNOT POSSIBLY PLACE THIS FUND WITH ESTABLISHED FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS AND THIS REQUIRES ME TO URGENTLY LOOK FOR A RELIABLE FOREIGNER TO HELP MOVE THIS FUND OUT OF HERE, INVEST/MANAGE IT FOR ME FOR SOME TIME BEFORE I FINALLY RESIGN FROM MY OFFICE. IT IS ALSO MY WISH THAT THIS DEAL BE HANDLED AS QUIETLY AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT ANY LEAKAGE TO THE PRESS. IF YOU AGREE TO ACT AS A FUND MANAGER FOR ME, THEN I WILL RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU IF YOU MEET MY REQUIREMENTS.


UPON A FAVORABLE RESPONSE FROM YOU I SHALL LET YOU KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE THE FUND.
AFTER SUCCESSFUL DEAL, YOUR COMMISSION SHALL BE THIRTY PERCENT OF THE TOTAL SUM WHICH IS($3.000 000) THREE MILLION USA FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE IN SAFELY MOVING THE MONEY OFFSHORES OF SENEGAL. SIXTY FIVE PERCENT FOR ME AND FIVE PERCENT SHALL BE USED TO RE-INBURES EXPENSES WE MIGHT INCURE DURING THE TRANSACTION.YOU SHALL BE ENTITTLED FOR AN ANNUAL FOURTY PERCENT OF THE MONEY AFTER TAX RETURNS FOR THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF MANAGING MY SHARE OF THE DEAL IN GOOD BUSINESS.

THEREAFTER THE TERMS SHALL BE REVIEW.

IF YOU ARE WILLING TO DO THIS PLEASE INDICATE YOUR INTEREST VIA MY EMAIL SPECIFIED FOR FURTHER DETAILS.

BEST REGARDS,


MR ERIC MACUS,
ericmacus@safe-mail.net
Telephone:+221-525-1855

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I really like the schizophrenia of the second writer, who seems blisfully unaware of his naming surplus. But he's all business.

The first writer indulges in obsequiy and lyricism, and is so far from using majuscule that he humbly lowercases himself. Oh courteous man from waggadoogoo!