Wednesday, January 08, 2025

THE GEESE HAVE SPOKEN!

According to the internet, source of all that is true and goldarn beautiful in the world, Mark Zuckerberg, recipient of a rat penis transplant, and eater of fluffy kittens, died of the horrific complications of syphilis and covid, after lining up all the fact checkers and shooting them, then moving his head quarters to a space alien whorehouse in Texas.

They couldn't write it if it wasn't true.

Texas is doing away with all laws against pedophelia and child labour, because these are Biblical and Jesus approves. And Louisiana has outlawed vegans.
Deportations to Oregon start immediately.


And by the way, Mexico will soon be Southern Texas, and there will be farms for egg-laying reptiles everywhere. They taste just like chicken if you don't need the eggs -- and who, really, needs eggs? They're just a liberal plot -- they're pettable, and they always vote the solid Christian ticket. Unlike the natives, who need to go back to Guatamala.

Also, we should take over Venezuela. They're sitting on our oil and they invaded Kuwait!
There is one distinct advantage to taking over Canada and Greenland: no more Republican power in the government ever again. Admittedly they're all variations of Alaskan up there, so probably bigly stupid and inbred, and crazy as loons, but as I understand it liberals are all over the place, and some of them speak French so those are probably the rabid socialists. And they have poutine! That's a plus, right? We can overlook that they invented Hawaiian pizza. Just give us all the poutine and we'll say no more about that.


I've really got to do my laundry today. Everything smells like pipe tobacco.
It is impossible to score the ladies reeking of pipe weed.
And it frightens the little children.

Think of the children.



By the way: That painting shows what the street outside my apartment building looked like two nights ago, when everything was foggy. It's just one of the many reasons people live in San Francisco instead of Texas. That and beer.



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THE IMAGINARY WOMBAT

By now I should know better than to unnecessarily delay my meals. I turn more "emotional" when the blood sugar is low. So when I left the house after shilly shallying all afternoon I was not quite by my right self. Lunch in Chinatown corrected that state, and while heading down Beckett Street I noticed Tat Yee at a nearby tavern, already in his cups. Stuff was being erected on Grant, so I stayed in the alleys until I got to Portsmouth Square, where the wildlife was starting to forage for their evening meal and the elderly card players were diminishing.

A few hours later I returned to Chinatown. The erection on Grant had grown. And because of the warmish nighttime breeze there were more people about, some of them normal, some possibly zombies, and a few shlepping their bedding. Like my father I look more foxy and likeable at this age, which is not entirely a good thing. It attracts unstable people, like zombies and bed-schleps.

My father was lucky in that regard. I still remember the time a very attractive young lady leaned over and asked me "is he your handsomer older brother?"

Umm, no. No, he isn't.
In this city, random people attracted to foxes may be entirely screwy. So after the strange white woman on Grant Avenue had tried to engage me in conversation about Republicans, Libertarians, Democrats, and Rand Paul, I calmly informed her that I was a wombat, and craved roots and tubers. Which sadly none of the major parties were promising me and what is this world coming to? The trick is to outcrazy the nutballs, and disquiet them enough that they leave one alone. Which, after my sharing that datum with her, she did, muttering to no one in particular that maybe she should smoke a pipe so that people would listen.

This wombat was at the time that this conversation took place waiting for the bookseller, so that the weekly night time jaunting could commence. Burgers, caffeinated beverages, and a visit to two agreeable drinking holes.

The preambular pipe smoked during the wait takes forty minutes.
Several unstable people approached in that time.
I am a rabid wombat, oh yes.
So, not a fox.

Look, I would not mind in the slightest if a completely sane and likable young lady university graduate shyly approached, to strike up an intelligent conversation with a fox smoking his pipe, but in this city that's hideously unlikely.

Wherefore I am the walrus, I am the eggman, I am a wombat.


Per Wikipedia, Wombats are short-legged, muscular marsupials. Wombats leave distinctive cubic faeces. Wombat teeth lack roots and are ever-growing, like the incisors of rodents. Their diets consist mostly of grasses, sedges, herbs, bark, and roots.


No, I am not going to draw a wombat smoking a pipe. That would be absurd. Pipe tobacco is horribly expensive in Australia, they probably can't afford it.



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Tuesday, January 07, 2025

FOREST, TREES, NATURE MAN

Quoting the fellow that the Red States voted for two months ago, talking earlier today: "Gas heater is much less expensive. The heat is much better, it’s a much better heat. Uh, as the expression goes, ‘You don’t itch.’ Does anybody have a heater, where you go and you’re scratching? That’s what they want you to have, they don’t want you to have the gas where you don’t have the problems of the electric", and "And they want to do ‘no water comes out of the shower.’ It goes drip … drip … drip. So what happens? You’re in the shower 10 times as long, you know?" [End cite] These are very deep waters indeed, Donald. Bigly deep. I fully expect masses of well-thought out commentary from your devotees.

By the way, windmills are a great invention.
Just thought I'd throw that in.
"With regard to the forest: When trees fall down, after a short period of time — about 18 months — they become very dry. They become, really, like a matchstick. And they get up — you know, there’s no more water pouring through, and they become very, very — well, they just explode. They can explode."

"Also, leaves — when you have years of leaves — dried leaves — on the ground, it just sets it up. It’s really a fuel for a fire. So they have to do something about it."

"They also have to do cuts. I mean, people don’t like to do cuts, but they have to do cuts in between. So if you do have a fire and it gets away, you’ll have a 50-yard cut in between so it won’t be able to catch to the other side."

"I love California."

------Donald Trump, September 2020


Covfefe.



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DESCRIBING BREAKFAST

From the kitchen came the sound of breakfast being prepared by a voracious one hundred pound scrawny behemoth (five feet four inches, and no banana for scale) at an early hour. Cantonese folks, as is well known, are keenly into food. What better way to wake up than to a feast? Dutch people are not quite so enthusiastic about eating at that hour (taking myself as the paradigm and perfect example of the type, you understand) and would far rather spend time early in the day contemplating the bleakness of existence, man's inhumanity to man, and whether there are any more tropical paradises to brutally exploit with our finely honed imperialist mechanisms.

Where can we establish sugar cane plantations?
Do they have any foods we can claim?
Ancient artifacts?

My apartment mate, a femal person of Cantonese ancestry born in San Francisco, has a commendable appetite at an ungodly hour of the day. Whereas I, descended from several generations of Anglo-Dutch Americans, and raised in the Netherlands between the ages of two and eighteen, have a much bleaker almost puritanical imperative at that hour.
A cup of strong coffee, then a pipe outside in the freezing cold.
Neither of us are British or Hobbits. So that half-witted approach toward the first sustenance of the day, furthering the cause of diabetes, acid reflux, and an increased incidence of both gout and arterial destruction, is not part of the programme. Which is why I suspect that her breakfast consisted of a toasted something with butter and jam, plus a cup of milky tea.

Mine was coffee with milk and sugar followed by forty minutes with a briar pipe and some delightful aged Virginia as the fog dissipated on the crest of Nob Hill, outside temperature around fifty degrees, with bleakness all around and distantly pet dogs pooing next to their owners standing at ready with plastic baggies.
Hector, with whom I work two or three days a month, tends toward either a Don Pepin or an Oliva Connecticut Reserve (Nicaraguan filler) as breakfast. He's from Central America, they do weird things there.

Years ago I would occasionally have the typical American breakfast plate late in the day. Hash browns, sausages, egg, steaming pile of rice, with lots of hotsauce, or fresh chilies, or salsa picante. Sometimes nowadays if I'm in Chinatown early enough a bowl of congee and a fried dough stick. Congee is almost never available at typical Anglo establishments or restaurants catering to the generic crowd. Sad.



Absolutely the perfect "second breakfast" is heading over to a teahouse for dimsum two or three hours after coffee and a smoke, for three to five lovely items and a pot of tea shared with friends. Which should, of course, be followed by a Dutch cigar or a pipe and a stroll.

The Ashton Half Corona would be splendid.
They are Dutch style, made in the EU.
Not too far from where I lived.
Very traditional.



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Monday, January 06, 2025

ZOMBIE FINGER

My apartment mate is at times theatrical, given to hyperbole and exaggeration. A tendency which I presume is extremely Cantonese of her. One that I have observed a number of times in Chinatown. My barber wails disconsolately at times that "there is nothing good to eat here (unlike HK, where he is from), we shall all starve on this inedible muck" (which explains why he is scrawny I guess). The old guys at the bakery are likely to declaim that things are not as they used to be, and then Yorkshiremen each other with ever more eloquent details of how it is not. The elderly coathanger one table over at the chachanteng kept up a string of overloud commentary after he noticed an acquaintance, which sounded for all the world like he wanted to rile up the masses to revolt against our lizard overlords.

My apartment mate stubbed a finger yesterday. Which is now gangrenous, tell my brothers how I died, maybe it's becoming zombiefied, good lord, if it falls off I can throw it at people (giving them the finger), you are heartless, heartless, no it doesn't hurt anymore.
But look at it, look at it! It's TWICE normal size! Three times!

Being quite phlegmatic, and rational, like most Dutchmen, I informed her that no, it didn't look huge, just a fraction thicker than it used to. And would probably be quite well again by tomorrow evening.

Apparently I don't know beans, medically, and should just hushy.
I am unreceptive and cold in her hour of peril.
Heartless! Oh!
Famous Scandinavian art-dude Edvard Munch was so startled by a dramatic Chinese fellow on a bridge in Oslo one day that he immortalized the scene. Capturing the very essence of a Cantonese person, and also the expressive quality of Cantonese Opera. Which explains much. Norwegians are even less given to emotionalism than us Netherlanders.
By comparison, we are practically Mediterranean.
Despite being cold fish.


Also, being calm and polite, sometimes I can't get in a word edgeways.
Really, I should try to get out of my shell.
Express myself.



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WHAT WE DON'T SEE HERE

The East Coast and large parts of the centre are blanketed in snow, transportation is grinding to a halt, and people are burning old folks and couches in a desperate attempt to stay warm. Or at least alive. There are rumours that Ted Cruz has fled to Cancun again, and the ceremonial gallows at Bedminster are sagging under the weight of icicles.

Oh, the humanity.

And Marjorie Taylor Greene is panicking. There may not be enough drooges in Washington to certify the second coming. Because the Jews who control the weather have sabotaged it.


All of which makes one wonder what Ellen Lee Zhou is doing here in San Francisco. Four years ago she flew to Washington to giddily cheer on the baying mobs, but with flights all up and down the country being cancelled and delayed this time, because of the Jewish Space Lasers, she might be stuck in Desmoines or Pittsburg with thousands of other Republican snooks. The airport Boo King is running out of food, there are long lines to the multigender bathroom, Bible sellers are working the crowd, and over in the corners little Republican infants are throwing up because they ate eggs and got sick. As one does.
When I stepped out for my first pipe much earlier today, visibility was scarcely three blocks. Dense fog verging on drizzle. No breeze, no dogwalkers out walking their pets, no joggers. Perhaps some drug addicted Republican tourists pooing theatrically on the sidewalk in the Tenderloin several blocks away, as they are wont to do -- it's a statement, and looks good on Fox News -- and not even the lone coyote that lives in this neighborhood trotting past.
Quiet and peaceful, sheer heaven.

I miss the coyote, though. Nice beast. Calm, not a Republican.
Almost certainly not a Christian.

Look, in precisely the same manner that Dan and Jeff over in Marin refer to all terrorists as Democrats, and everybody who disagrees with them as degenerate liberals, I tend to think of all sidewalk pooing people as Midwesterners and Republicans. Okay?

Marjorie Taylor Greene and Ellen Lee Zhou poo on the sidewalk all the time.
Sidewalk Defecator Zhou got two percent of the vote.
Poo apparently has a voice.


It is unlikely the Marin Dan and Jeff poo on sidewalks here in San Francisco, or even San Rafael where they live. They've been constipated for four solid years. Just full of it. I asked Jeff the other day if everything at home was okay, and he said that it must be, as his wife had not killed him yet. She's a remarkably patient woman. And very likely medicated.

That Dan is still alive is inexplicable, however.
Probably the work of the devil.



During my work week I have to hear those whingeing people for several hours each day. Their kinfolk get some peace and quite during those times, which I begrudge them. I am considering the purchase a cattle prod. Much like several years ago I acquired a riding crop to chastise an obstreperous Patel at another job. Which I have since gotten rid of.
The problem was that he ended up enjoying it too much.



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Sunday, January 05, 2025

SUBURBAN FOG

Yesterday I made reference to the Rambam (Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon, Maimonides) in discussion with a Jewish person, and got the distinct impression that he hadn't a clue who or what I was mentioning. On the other hand, it turned out that I had no clue that San Jose had an ice hockey team. It might be that we inhabit different worlds. Not the same planet.

This is a feeling that I often get.

Much of popular culture goes right by me. Earlier, talking with someone else entirely, James Joyce and Marcel Proust were discussed. This was not in relation to mustaches, by the way. It was a good conversation. And quite rewarding.

I strongly suspect that the person who didn't know who the Rambam was would not have known who the two mustached persons were either.


And by the way, I'm still not interested in ice hockey.
It appears to be theatrical yobbo drunkenness.
I've looked at youtube clips.
What naturally comes to mind now is the Monty Python sketch about the Philosopher's Football Match. Here's a quote to refresh your memory:


"Hegel is arguing that reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically, it exists only in the imagination and Marx is claiming it was offside."


Something else that I think of is the person or multiple persons (there are different sources given) who stated "I have ADHD, an internet connection, really good research skills, and zero self-regulatory mechanisms", as well as the questionaire which showed that one specific respondent was multi-tentacled and looking for library books.
Both of these things really speak to me.



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Saturday, January 04, 2025

TRUE CHRISTIANS GLEE CLUB

If you ever read about a Dutch American getting arrested for committing a capital punishment offense on senile rightwingers in a Bay Area suburb, that might be me. In my defense, I must point out that my ancestors came from Brabant, the natives of which were, per a mediaeval French author, "rapists, brigands, and incendiarists". So it would be more or less my native tradition. Generations of "conditioning".

We moved to the Netherlands when I was two, and ended up in the province from whence we had come over three centuries before. Which reinforced all the civilizationally corrective instincts that hereditarily we already had.

Trust me, there are at least a dozen elderly danglefudgers in Marin County whose lives would be immeasurably improved by being over. One of whom used to a member of the judicial field up till his retirement, and was mercifully never appointed judge.
Although if this were the Deep South, he would have been.

The problem is that anything drive-by would be too quick and merciful.
Dumping them into the swamp with life vests, and cinderblocks tied to their feet, would be so much better. Somewhere that even nature lovers don't frequent. Perhaps near the putrifying cadavers of other rightwingers whose relatives finally got sick and tired of hearing, and creatively silenced. Even though fresh-festering corpse might excite them.

"At last, a worthy conversational partner!"

These are people with the morals of Matt Gaetz, the intellect of Marjorie Taylor Green, and the sheer buggery repulsiveness of both Elon Musk and Kash Patel.


The life vests would make it slow, the cinderblocks would make it certain.


Whenever any of these loathesome codswallopers croaks, something which doesn't happen often enough, I never attend their funerals or memorials, as it would be unseemly to do so grinning from ear to ear and giggling. That's something I can do elsewhere anyhow.

Their single redeeming feature is that they are at least sixty percent water, and the rest is easily composted. We need water in California.

Good lord yes.



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Friday, January 03, 2025

THE DUMMIES IN THE BACK

Cold, grim, and rainy. For which I blame the weather, not the Democrats. But just wait until Musk is sworn in. When damned well everything will "still" be the fault of the Democrats. Because that side of the aisle is too stupid to think anything else. Yes, I am going to be a sheer joy to be around for the next four years, and it won't take long before one phrase comes out of my mouth which I shall relish and which may cause acid-indigestion:
"you voted for this!"

Schadenfreude is one way to survive government by the chuckleheads.
Along with fault finding, sneering, sarcasm, and ridicule.
Because, after all, y'all voted for this.


Praise cheeses.
On the other hand, Kash Patel, Tom Homan, Vivek Ramaswamy, and Marjorie Taylor Green have someone who understands them, speaks their language, and comforts their innermost fears. They'll have a several months long group-gasm while things head south.

It's like watching Springtime For Hitler. But done with no sense of irony, as a school play by very special students without one iota of talent or ability.

Plus RFK Jr. The class idiot.



By the way: Y'all do realize that there is absolutely nothing that could be more red-blooded and all-American than a pissed-off Texan in a pick-up truck, don't you? Absolutely nothing.
Shamsud-Din Jabbar represents the common man. Totally.
Why aren't y'all applauding?



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Thursday, January 02, 2025

THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN DISH

Seeing as groceries will shoot up in price over the next several months as the labour force involved in food production gets shoved into camps and tarifs on imports will be imposed, changes in the American diet must be inevitable. And also note that with food safety recalls showing no end in sight, and eggs now notorious for carrying diseases, some things will have to become a fond memory. For a while, at least. Fortunately, there's still canned stuff.


Yeah, okay, there's also that monumental stockpile of cheese. American cheese.
The stuff that we couldn't give away even to poor people.
Because it tasted like spackle.

Okay. With vegetables becoming a luxury, fresh meat heading towards Chipotle level food poisoning risks, avocado toast entirely unaffordable (because guess what we need to import), and eggs being scarce and nowhere to be found, we may have to rely on comestibles we thought were a thing of the past.
AMERICAN FRIED RICE

Fortunately, hell will freeze over before America's pork producers relinquish the slaves whose suffering and horrifically unsafe and covid-rife working conditions, even during the dark days of the Biden presidency, fueled (in part) almost unprecedented prosperity. Iowa will continue to prosper. Armed guards will keep them from escaping. Thank you, Iowa.

And middle class people all over the country will finally learn to enjoy ketchup and luncheon meat fried rice. Perhaps with a side of canned beans, à l'anglaise.

Soften some chopped onions in the skillet, add a big bowl of leftover rice plus two or three tablespoons of regular ketchup and a dash of Worcestershire sauce, as well as some chunky chopped tinned luncheon meat, and stir till the rice is well-coloured. Dried parsely from a great American food supply company can be added to garnish.
Do not add peas. Peas are nasty.

Serve with a side of freshly opened canned beans.
No need to heat them, they're fine as is.



By the way: normally I maintain a Sriracha and chilipaste stockpile sufficient for at least six months. Either of these make even American cooking edible. Perhaps I should now triple or quadruple that. Worcestershire Sauce keeps nearly forever, and fortunately soy sauce is manufactured locally if the imported brands become unaffordable.



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Wednesday, January 01, 2025

FROZEN UNDERWEAR

Not, as you probably think, the garments that Elsa wears in that movie, but what an Eskimo or other mythical polar creature might wear in the Yukon when it gets to let's say forty eight degrees Fahrenheit or below, and partly cloudy with a slight breeze, such as in San Francisco right now. I can hear things tinkling when I move.

Please imagine something with fangs grumbling.
A disconsolate and cold Dutchman.
Who was outside smoking.

There are times when I can really understand the bears. Who store up fat in Autumn then spend all of winter getting up late or not at all. Probably thoroughly enjoying their bed with the down comforter, woolen blanket, cotton knit blanket, synthetic blend blanket, pillows, and small creatures perched on top of the long pile of reference books on the left side.
Don't wake me up till it's at least six weeks later.
And light longer outside.
Not all bears smoke pipes, have lunch in Chinatown, and sip hot Hong Kong milk tea. And all in all it's been a busy day, in which I got a lot accomplished. Even though I totally forgot that the hospital and pharmacy would not be open for regular business because it's a holiday. Picked up my refills after having lunch, upgraded my old geezer discount travel card over on Stockton Street, purchased veggies for the elderly Indonesian Chinese woman downstairs, plus fried crab flavoured potato chips for my apartment mate and green stuff for both of us as well as some Japanese white peach pudding buns (which if they taste weird I'll happily take to work), dried fish, and another cup of Hong Kong milk tea with a pastry. Spoke Cantonese mostly, used Mandarin once, and English once.

Swore under my breath several times in multiple languages. Chinatown was chock-full of outsiders gawking, ogling, and probably poking the locals to see if they'd squawk. At one point while I was having my tea the bakery had over twenty non-Chinese at the counter saying "what's that" and asking what was in it. The tables were nearly empty, probably because regulars didn't wish to wade through a horde of Huns sacking Rome.

The lunch place, being a chachanteng on a side street, and the grocery store where the interesting snackies were purchased, were not crowded at all. I'm hoping that the place where I intend to go tomorrow will be relatively free of the Vikings raiding Lindisfarne.
I don't want to deal with dead monks and burning libraries while having dumplings.



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RABBIT RABBIT FOR JANUARY 2025

Rabbit rabbit. If you're reading this you didn't die in a fiery freeway crash caused by drunken teenagers somewhere in Trailerparkistan. Nor did the elevator cables snap from too many overweight intoxicated people playing telephone booth twenty floors up. Congratulations.
And a happy new year.

This blogger will lay off his usual cynical depressive crap for a brief moment and be little miss sunshine. Because we all need a little sunshine in our lives. It's below fifty degrees right now and I'm freezing my gand off, good lord I need some sunshine.


You will kindly note that I do not particularly like Winter temperatures.
This has nothing to do with an urge for naked dancing.
Even in Spring I do not participate.
Naked dancing is rather like an equivalent of terpsichorean karaoke. When everyone around me is gaily flinging their clothes to the side and twirling, twirling, twirling in their glorious flesh, I will probably be at the bar ordering another drink with a pair of sunglasses. Far enough away that no droplets of sweat may reach.

There is no point in doing your laundry if you're not going to wear it.
Today I shall do my laundry. Clean clothes are essential.
They're the first part of me that you see.
Possibly the only part.


Rabbit rabbit.



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Tuesday, December 31, 2024

THE STICK SHIFT, AND OTHER PARTS

The internet is a regular source of amazement. In surprising ways. It turns out that some people remain confused about basic health, biology, human anatomy generally speaking as well as their own body in particular, or where eggs come from (the fridge, that's why there's that little rack).

Yes, there were classes at school. And no, they weren't paying attention, or their mommy pulled them out, because Little Johnny is too young to hear all that filth even though he's wanking off every night to manga babes he has hidden under his bed. And in any case, Little Johnny is now a full grown man, eating at chick-fil-A every day because it is a good Christian place run by saintly clean folks, and keeps getting an uncomfortable feeling in his pants over the waitresses which he thinks is because white meat chicken just always does that.

There is no library in his town anymore, because libraries are nasty.

In any case, he doesn't know what's down there.
Not his. Not hers. Not anyone's.


So, for his benefit, here's a diagram of a stick shift.
Hope it helps.

This post was inspired by one person stating authoritatively that the female crowk was all the openings at once, and another telling someone she was an idiot for not knowing that babies were made in her urethra the dumb cow. That last begs a question about Hank Hill's "narrow urethur" which I shall not ask, because I don't want my readers to think about sex and Texas in the same breath. There's far too much of that going on already.

As an afterthought, I should mention that I knew this stuff by the time I was eight or nine, because of a helpful book I received when it still looked like I was going to study medicine, was informed of it once more in the last year of grammar school by the no-nonsense teacher explaining the material to all of us, and learned it all again in highschool when the biology teacher was temporarily replaced for six weeks because it made him uncomfortable.
He stuttered through several parts of that chapter.


No, I have never had offspring.


And remember, it's only nasty if you think about sex and Texas in the same breath.



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THE FINEST EXPLOITATION

Naturally the subject of our colonial enterprises came up during conversation recently, seeing as although we Dutch don't often think about them anymore, having divested ourselves of not only those territories as well as any lingering guilt over having been absolutely brutal albeit extremely succesful imperialists, it's been what, three or four generations since we left Java, Sumatra, and the Moluccas forheavensakes, very many historically minded Americans are still insanely jealous over the extent of our realm. Which fuelled the subsequent rise of all other hegemonic capitalisms. As well as all advances in civilization.
And don't you ever forget that.

[Please note: When I say 'Dutch', I usually include myself in that, because I am Dutch American descended from inbred New Amsterdammers, and my family moved to the Netherlands when I was two years old. My grammar and high school education was in Dutch, and despite having no relatives engaged in draining the Indies or Africa of their riches, I'm damned proud of our having been better (worse) at imperialism and golden aging than almost everybody else.]


Growing up in Valkenswaard, I remember being sent across the square to purchase cartons of cigarettes for my mother when I was five years old, for which I got pocket money, to be happily spent on candy. When I was ten, it was comics at Priem's bookshop, next to a cigar store. The two old ladies who ran the small grocery store on the corner of the market square opposite Cafe De Swaen had retired by then, though there was still a cigarette machine on the outside wall, and one or two enamel placards advertising smokes there.
The famous Irish literary bad boy Brendan Behan in his autobiography mentioned that when you could afford a pack of factory mades, you felt on top of the world. Seeing as most of my highschool classmates smoked handrolled ciggies, heavy ("superzware") shag, because it was so much cheaper, I could understand that.

[Borstal Boy, by Brendan Francis Aidan Behan, published in 1958. Which I read when I was fourteen, and still smoking crap like Troost (J. & A.C. van Rossem Koninklijke Tabaksfabriek) or Scottish Mixture (Theodorus Niemeijer N.V.).]

A pot of strong tea, a new tin of a good pipe tobacco, and a Simenon novel I'd just begun reading, and the foggy Autumn afternoon would glide luxuriously into evening darkness. On occasion I too indulged in factory mades. That old-style British packaging, the smell of fine Virginias, with a cup of Assam or Ceylon tea. Oh my.

The world seemed smaller, but better connected.
And filled with reliable manufacturers.
Necessities and good products.


Most English tobacco brands have now disappeared, famous Dutch companies that dealt in coffee, tea, spices, quinine, and tobacco have all been swallowed up, and many people are more familiar with junkfood and mediocre chain beverages or shitty American beer than before, and the only real luxuries left are fine Chinese cigarettes smuggled in.
Especially since folks have gone all healthy and cost conscious.


Both Priem's bookstore and my favourite tobacconist in Valkenswaard have closed.
As have most tobacconists and bookstores here in the SF Bay Area.
And you cannot find quinine at any of the drugstores!
What IS this world coming to?


That said, it's probably time to order a new mosquito net for my apartment mate, given that climate change probably means more mosquitoes. They never bother me, because I taste bad. So I don't have a net around my bed. But her, she's a clean-living Chinese woman, nonsmoker, and come spring she'll need that.



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Monday, December 30, 2024

IT STALKS!

Mmm, yeah. I probably had too much sugar last night. A friend had given me a large box of chocolates from him and the wife yesterday. The previous day another friend gave me some German holiday confections. And the apartment mate had a giant box of Danish sweets for me when I came home. As a cynical man, I must conclude that everyone likes me better when I'm hepped to the fluttering gills and bouncing off the walls.

Wall-off-bouncing, at my age, is restrained and calm.
Don't want to break anything.

Sugar.

You know, I probably should have limited my late night snacking to a bit of lamb. Nice and juicy, fatty, savoury. Better for the kidneys, and less likely to cause odd moody dreaming.

The wild feline, significantly larger than a domestic pussy, but neither large enough, or clearly visible enough to identify the type, sneaks and slithers through the tall grass and shrubbery, with its eyes laser focused on the little baah lamb chop (bone-in) happily frolicking on the plate, not a care in the world, and cohabiting sinfully with the creamed spinach.
Way too much sugar.

Predatory blobs at the edge of my field of vision.


Unlike many people I know, I do not go for long walks in nature. No hikes, or exciting trails leading to hidden waterfalls or rainbow-specked glades where hobbits might comfortably live, away from the hurly burly of the urban environment. There might not be anywhere to get a comforting warm beverage there, if there are breezes I would worry about the ashes and embers from my pipe, and there is bound to be an inviting patch of poison ivy.

Plus rattle snakes, very angry small creatures, and scorpions.

Neither the Ardennes nor the Alps are rife with any of those things. And within twenty minutes walk you will encounter an auberge with a shielded terrace and tables with ashtrays.
No rattle snakes, drugged-out bikers, hippies, or hobbits.

Today I think I'll go on a trek in Chinatown, and hunt down the dumplings that I was denied last week because of all the tourists thronging my first, second and third choice eateries.
I have never been stung on a sensitive part by a feral dumpling.
Nor left itching or scratching from a rash.


No hobbits.



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Sunday, December 29, 2024

THE SHIVERING

Modern horror story: plummeting temperatures send innocent suburbanites in California into a panic. Some of them kill and devour polar bears for the blubber, or slaughter the innocent inhabitants of a trailer park filled with refugees from the Catholic world. Various native wild animals develope a surprising taste for either human blood or distilled spirits, I'm not quite sure which.

Meanwhile, in a hotel in the foothills, a writer and his family face unimaginable nightmares: canned luncheon meat and frozen peas are the only supplies till Spring. They've only got three recipes from the nineteen fifties. And no ketchup! Oh, the shivering, the shivering!

Somebody should make a call to Jack Nicholson, we've got a movie for ya.

All of this was prompted by reports that a horrific cold front is coming in which will go below freezing in some areas, and my apartment mate wondering if the grumpy old toad has enough warm underwear and I do know where the extra bedcovers are don't I?

I'm a tough old man. I'll simply wear an extra layer of underwear.
And if need be, two sweaters. Plus gloves.
And that thick coat.
Preambulatory to the massive ball of frigid air from Alaska drifting in tonight, there was rain.
It was gloomish today. Soggy. Other than a few damp old fossils in the backroom grumbling at the teevee because the forty Niners weren't playing, it was relatively quiet, and no one lost their intestinal contents. I spent much of the day cleaning and polishing briar pipes, including a Jobey Canadian, two Savinelli Autographs, two or three English pipes of relatively standard shapes, and a few Danes. The previous owner had relatively clean habits, and may have departed over two decades ago. There was no overarching esthetic sense.
Just haphazardly bought as the whim took him or her.

That happens. Some people end up with favourite shapes, some don't.
Not every pipe smoker is anal or neurotic.
Why, look at me!


Y'all can please stop giggling now.
I can hear you, you know.



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THE MOST THOUGHTFUL EUROPEANS

My coworker's small dog dragged her into the mud yesterday, in consequence of which her shoulder hurt like billy-o all day, and she moaned periodically. She did not have a good day. And while I sympathize oh my yes this is why sensible women should have a cat instead. If they want to slide through the mud like a ball player, the cat will look at them like they're crazy and abstain.

As you can tell, if I had a pet, it would not be a dog. This does not make me a bad person. Please remember that.

I'm just not overmuch into mud.


Still, I'm thinking I should have a tennis ball with me at all times in case I run into the coyote in this neighborhood, or the one who hunts in Portsmouth Square to the east of here, again. Let's see how instinctive certain behaviours actually are. A small stick will probably suffice.

Cats are not known for playing fetch.
Don't bother tossing the ball.
There are no wild cat species in this neck of the woods. No mountain lions, cougars, servals, or panthers. I need not have a ball of yarn with me at all times for protection and distraction.

Outside of San Francisco it's a different matter. The suburbs abound in carnivores of many different types, some of them feline.

Fortunately there are enough chihuahuas, yorkies, and little entitled brats running around that they need not mess with a sharp-clawed pissy Dutch American like myself. You will note that Holland does have wild canines (wolves), but no mountain lions. We also don't have mountains, so that's probably a good thing.

Still, we Dutch are quite fond of cats.
They suit our thoughtful nature.



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Saturday, December 28, 2024

A DIFFERENT SMELL

My apartment mate, when giving the old Indonesian lady downstairs some groceries, was treated to a disquisition on cucumbers. Marvelous things, cucumbers! So good for preventing high cholesterol. As the mean grouchy Dutchman -- an "orang belanda", and we all know how cruel and potentially brutal those people can be -- this is not something to which I have been subjected. I bring her fruits or vegetables occasionally, but am not someone to whom one can confide about cucumbers.
This pleases me.

Something I remembered from Valkenswaard was cucumbers with shrimp paste and mashed chilies. At the house of friends of part-Indonesian heritage. Part of a laplap platter. Laplap are raw or blanched vegetables of various sorts served with sambal, called lalab in Sunda, where it usually consists of sliced or chopped tomatoes, lettuce, cabbage, cucumbers, long beans (katjang pandjang), with a bowl of freshly made sambal petis and sometimes a squeeze of lime juice or a serving of grilled meat with peanut sauce. Fun and refreshing.

The weather in San Francisco at times reminds me of Valkenswaard. Fog.
Foggy streets and alleyways.
The aromas are different, though. The autumn air there is more tannic.

There more leaves there. Drifts of them sometimes blocking sidewalks.
Deep and wide obstacles you have to go around.
A colder and wetter place.



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