THERE IS NO COMPUTER TECHNICIAN

So far there have been nearly a dozen phone calls from Indians who believe themselves to be my computer technician. Which seems to be an article of faith, because there is no factual basis. All over India, smartipants computer geeks are lighting little ghee lamps in front of statues or representations of Krishna, Ganesh, and Atboth-The-Blogger-In San Francisco.
Who will send them untold riches and success.


"Hello Sar, how are you?"

"Do you remember me? I am your computer technician ... "


So sorry, Suresh-bhai, I am not presently having a technician. Your prayers will be unanswered, your sad hopes will be dashed, your screwdriver will alas not find a fitting slot, and your curry dinner may in fact be quite buggery cold and tasteless. There will be no naan o namak to still your moaning, your roti-shoti will not increase, and yes, your lovely wife person will likely leave you for that Muslim neighbor with the brand new car.

The monsoon will come early and torrentially, above your wattle hut.

And wash you down the drainage ditch to the river.

You will not be remembered.

Nalla.


While I can sympathize with the urge, nay necessity, of poor cursed Madrassi computer coolies to cheat stupid bourgeois white people by gaining access to their computers on which they do their internet banking and purchasing, personally I have no compulsion to aid that venture.
Whatever you are wanting, ji, we are not having.
Thank you, please call again.

Ji.


Now please to be kindly thrashing about on your milk-stained concrete floor, transported by animal passion, until you sink back, exhausted, onto the cartons of yogurt.


In other news for telephone scammers, the Gas company is not going to cut me off in the next thirty minutes, the San Francisco sheriff's department does not have a warrant for my arrest which can be nullified by a small monetary payment, and my credit card company will not call me about security issues on my computer.

The benevolent policeman's ball need not call either.



LAGNIAPPE

By the way, the recipe for Hobbit's Weed is two parts BCA, one part Lane's Very Cherry, and one part Sutliff 1M. The first and the last are vanilla flavoured blending components. All three can be mail-ordered.
I know you want this. You've scoured the internet for it.
When Tewksbury stopped making it, it hurt you.
A fundament had been yanked.
You shrivelled.


"Hello Sar, I am your tobacconist."

"And I am being scratched."

"Your hovercraft ... "


How sad, how sad, how infinitesimally sad!

My piles bleed for Hindustan.

Have some chai?




Important disclaimer: No desis were harmed in the writing of this post, and no phones were rammed into the side of any desi heads at any time.
I would indeed have liked to, oh very much yes, but the desis I actually know are on the whole decent folks who themselves would have responded with a long list of colourful terms, including the words 'ooloo', 'churail', 'dalal', and 'haramjad', to any computer technical calls from Rajesh or Vijay ......




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