THE CHRISTMAS LOBSTER IS A RACIST!
I, however, made the mistake of committing small talk. One of the things I mentioned was the blood-relation several generations ago who threw pork chops at his wife.
This novel information fascinated her. She promptly asked me for details that I did not have (even if I knew the details, I wasn't really interested in divulging them at that time, but no matter).
Were they cooked pork chops? Raw? What kind of chops, and what kind of pig? How large, and how fresh? Juicy? Well-marbled at least?
These seemed to be VERY IMPORTANT considerations to her.
Cantonese-American girls are passionate about food, by the way. Not the kind of passion I was looking for, but that was my mistake.
She wondered whether there was a message on, or in, the chops. Perhaps written on them, in protein-based ink, an endearing message like "I love you", "do me!", or "sauce". This would be starkly visible after cooking. And how did he throw them? Like a Frisbee? An underhand toss? A smart whip of the arm? A casually flick of the wrist?
"Perhaps it was his way of showing affection. No? Maybe a family tradition, or a regional custom?"
Well, no, I don't think it was a family tradition. Really, the person who could've answered all those questions would have been my late brother......
"What, you mean that Tobias was the only one who knew these crucial details? What kind of family doesn't ask about the customs of their own ancestors?!? There are traditions involved, for heaven's sakes!!!"
"Really, you should try to find out more about the pork chop thrower. The idea that he was a butcher with an excess of meat just doesn't cut it! What did his wife do in response?"
The information that the wife of porkchopman was a recluse who kept the shutters closed and the gaslight on all day drew a sneering speculation that pork chops hardly require darkness, and perhaps the woman went around the house gleefully reveling in lardy surfaces.
Savage Kitten made no bones about her opinion that there was a flaw in my character for not wanting to talk about all this at great length.
Early this morning she awoke me with a brilliant idea for a new family tradition. Probably to replace the lost pork chop flinging custom.
THE CHRISTMAS LOBSTER
As she explained it, the Christmas Lobster scuttles around on December 24th to reward good little children with his Generous Claw of Plenty, showering them with sweets and crustaceans. Obviously this is much much better than some fat old pervert in a red bekeshe visiting kinderlech in secret during the night - that merely makes them buy into the patriarchal value system, frightens the very young, and does nothing for people who are not wasps.
The Christmas Lobster, with his Generous Claw of Plenty, is perfect for Cantonese-Americans. Apparently he favours little Cantonese-American girls especially. He is non-threatening.
He also has the Dreadful Claw of Punishment. With which he snips off the heads of bad children.
"So there is a scary side to this after all?"
I guess I should've expected the answer I got to that question.
"Oh no, because all Cantonese little girls are sweet and good, and richly deserving of candies and seafood, and should get EVERYTHING they wish for. The only ones who have anything to fear are little boys. Especially nasty little white boys."
Frankly, I am appalled at the racism. I would've said something, but in the back of my head was the knowledge that if I objected in any way at all, she would use the special relationship that good Cantonese girls have with the Christmas Lobster against me.
There's this thing called the Dreadful Claw of Punishment..........
Santa Claus ain't got nuttin' on this.
Even his reindeer are a bunch of wimps.