KINDLY AND QUICK

Tis the season to be..... something.

If you're not sure what, read on.


Commentator Spiros writes underneath a post:
"Wait... You're forgetting about the one to three comely Dutch misses in blackface who are just waiting to discipline "bad" children; if that doesn't give you a warm (or at least tingly) feeling for the holidays, then there must be something wrong with you. "

This was further to his previous comment:
"Try as I might, I can't shake the image of one to three comely Dutch misses in blackface (and black, thigh high boots) (and black fish-net stockings), with or without birches, getting ready to mete out punishment... Almost good enough incentive to be naughty. "


Although these comments do indeed logically segue from one of my recent posts and he can therefore NOT be accused of being off his nut, it does shmeck remarkably of obsession.
[These posts: http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2007/12/in-mood.html which is about the festive season, and http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2007/11/justice-is-angry-black-man.html which is about something Dutch.]


I know him, and I'm fairly certain he isn't crazy. Instead, he is fondly indulging his Dutch side - the Dutch, as is widely known, have a taste for both fetishes and comely misses.


I am not entirely sure whether it is the first or last factor that tickles him - if the first, any old birching will probably do. I wish I still had the contact data for that coworker back in the eighties who moonlighted as Madame Saundra - I heard she was quite good with birches, canes, and paddles. But there's page after page of them in the phone-book, and half the office ladies in the downtown are probably quite capable. Let your fingers do the walking, I cannot help you there.


If, on the other hand, the 'comely misses' are the attraction, may I strongly suggest instead some nice Cantonese girls from Lowell High School?
[Lowell is also called the 'Finishing School For Chinese Girls', seeing as much of the luscious student body is super-intelligent Chinese American female, most of whom will go on to top-notch universities - Lowell has extremely high standards.]

Not that I'm recommending that you trawl outside the school with a megaphone or accost the little dears at the bus stop, but have you considered placing an ad in one of the magazines that they read?

If you aren't certain what they read, you might stroll nonchalantly past them a few times (without drawing their attention!), but my guess is that half of them are subscribed to the Economist, one quarter receive the Antioch Review four times a year, one eighth of them regularly read Scientific American, a small number buy Exquisite Corpse down at City Lights on a regular basis, and all of them, ALL OF THEM! every! singel! one! of! them! get Hello Kitty Magazine (the first issue focused on Britain, where Hello Kitty is supposed to live).


Try putting a carefully worded add in Hello Kitty Magazine phrased in charming Japanese English:
"Genterman of distinguishment bad naughty, are you miss Keiko? Thigh high boots, fishnet stockings, you very please yes. Responsing kindly quick San Francisco box 89".



If nothing else, the inquiries you receive will make for some engrossing reading, guaranteed to keep you warm in this frigid season. Keeping toasty is what the holidays are all about.

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As an afterthought, publishing those letters (without attribution) as an anthology would thrill the rest of us too. It would be a best-seller. Imagine the movie they could make of it!
With Gong Li or the fabulous Maggie Cheung (Cheung Man-Yuk) in one of the roles. Oh very please yes!