Years ago my regular job was at a computer company, and several evenings a week I was the cashier-factotum-diplomat-on-staff-and-general-eye-on-the-business-keeper at an Indian restaurant. Which exposed me to all manner of people and their problems. Punjabis wanting to arrange a marriage feast? We can do that! Midwesterners upset over the spiciness of dishes, including something which did not have any peppers at all? You'll get used to it! Europeans who did not understand why there was a service charge on their bill? Because you folks tip like misers who don't understand that the staff needs to pay rent, that's why. Englishmen angry that we don't acknowledge that the best curry is made in Pigbollocks, Sussex? Oh well.
Also Anglos slumming once a month on Indian or Mexican food to see how those people live and show off their machismo by demanding that we make it as hot as possible they can take it yessirree? It's Indian food this month.
Okay.
That part-time job also exposed me to a device advertised in the local Indian press. The Wally Wash. Attach it to your toilet, and it becomes a bidet. It directs a stream of water upwards for perfect commodial cleanliness.
Wake you up too, because it's cold baby.
Not sure what a wally is. But you have one.
One thing that became apparent was that Anglos and Englishmen demanding extra-spicy did not have the digestive systems suited to their machismatic demands. Please gentlemen, also have a bowl or raita on the table, and consider a lassi as the beverage instead of beer. Have chaval ki kheer as dessert. Tomorrow morning have some plain rice, cooked with a pinch of salt, along with a container of Yoplait™ and weak tea. And eat a banana.
[DOUBLE CLICK ON ILLUSTRATION FOR CLARITY]
The diagram above illustrates the area of your anatomy where chili pepper seeds may get stuck, especially if you do not normally consume hot food. You have probably discovered that, huh? Lentils with garlic are also a hazard for your delicate Scotch Irish digestion, and although this is not a factor in Mexican food, you should be aware that Mexicans from some areas often use hotter chilies than Indians. Oh, you've discovered that? Good!
Thais, and Dutchmen who eat Padang food, delight in you blowing yourself out of the water. Singaporeans and most Malays are gentler. Yucatecos, on the other hand, are savage.
The reason why this diagram has Chinese characters and the Cantonese pronunciation for same is because I had an appendix once, and the professionals down at Chinese Hospital ably took care of it. So even though I am a native Dutch speaker, and am quite as glow in the dark white as they come, I tend to think of my guts in Chinese.
Please pin the diagram to your wall as a cautionary illustration, and, especially if you are elderly Anglo Protestant bougie consider yoghurt, yoghurt beverages, and yoghurt dips for your bowel health the next time you eat Indian or Mexican food.
Or if I'm cooking for you.
Yeah, I'm baffled as to why I would be having elderly Anglo Protestant bougies over for dinner. It's an absurd concept. So forget that. I didn't say anything.
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