ANTISOCIAL AND DISCRIMINATING

It is raining today. Which, if you are a normal person, means that you will get wet. If on the other hand you are a non-smoker you will be inside breathing stale recycled air and fervently wishing that your coworkers had never discovered beans. Or lentils. And cruciferous vegetables.
Oh the joys of a healthy life.


WEAK LUNGS

I just finished reading an article by some insufferable Bunt who avers that smokers deliberately discriminate against people with weak lungs. Nothing could be further from the truth!
We do not discriminate, we merely wish them ill. They should choke a bit. Or be brutally whacked by a benevolent deity - in His Mercy.
Weak-lunged people have NO business being outside on the sidewalk, or even in a public place. Ever! They should stay at home and crochet. Near the humidifier.
We consider the weak-lunged to be mendacious, and deliberately provocative.


WHEEZING WUSSIES

Asthmatics are another category of monumental pain in the gand. Horrid sadists and whiners. Stuck up, and 'special'. And yes, all you people who object to the smell of tobacco need to get a life. Stop bellyaching. You already reek of gasoline fumes, regular inner-city funk and filth, and, because you stay indoors (when we are outside), stale recycled air. Plus beans and lentils. Or cruciferous vegetables.
Faugh!

If you sanctimonious do-gooders and puritanical health-nuts absolutely NEED a smoke-free environment in order to feel fulfilled and complete, go to a bar. Please drink as much as you want. It's your liver.
I'm sure you're all so full of beans due to healthy living that you won't even mind the drunken fights, loud and stupid arguments, or the inevitable alcohol-fueled unsafe sex that follows your night out. Why, you will positively enjoy all that - it does NOT involve tobacco!

Feel free to spend every night drinking yourself into a stupor in your fresh-smelling dives, then jumping into the sack with the sodden trollops of either gender who look good to your gin-bleared eyes at closing time.
Puke and have loud disputations on the street after you leave your smoke-free drinking holes.

Please engage in drunk-driving, too.

We smokers won't mind.
Most of us are very tolerant.
That's why we shan't be in the bars when you misbehave.
Besides, we will be asleep at that time; we believe in clean habits, and we seldom drink in public.

FANCY UNDERWEAR

Men are not known for nice nether garments. In fact, many men prefer underwear that has reached a distressed and antique stage, favouring museum pieces that had already outlived full functionality while they were still in college or when Moses was trying to moor the Zeppelin with all the animals on Mount Nebo. That old. Yes.

One of my colleagues, when I was at the computer company, had undergarments so utterly praehistoric that he had to use duct tape to keep 'em from sliding down his trouser legs. Another prided himself on his sewing skills, and offered to show us his latest handiwork at the drop of a hat. Boruch Hashem the hat was the only thing dropped - we men do like our own underwear, but absolutely not that of other men.
Ragged boxers are NOT a competition sport.

When it comes to women's underwear, it is of course a different ball game. But that is not the subject of this post.



I'M WEARING NEW UNDERPANTS!


This is not something I planned to do today. What happened is that Savage Kitten noticed how severely low on functional underwear supplies I had gotten - there is nowhere near the house to buy boxers - and on her own decided to augment my meagre clothes closet.

Underwear has changed a lot since I was a lad.

These boxers are show-off pieces. Party togs. Happy pants. The kind of thing that would not embarrass you if you felt it necessary to take off your blue jeans and swing them around your head when the juke box bursts into a Jerry Lewis song (quite inappropriate if it's Great Balls of Fire).

You could also wear your long pants down around your knees, like many young folks do nowadays - how on earth you're gonna get away from the cops is a mystery, and you'd look mighty retarded besides - but you would be showing off some mega-fancy duds by doing so. These are GREAT boxers! They are terrific!

The pattern shows little blue octopuses (octopodes) with smiling eyes swimming in a green lagoon filled with lots of good things to eat (for cephalopodoi, that is).
These boxers are very comfy. I had forgotten how comfortable new underwear could be.
I can't wait to put on the other pair.

And no, I ain't showing them to anyone! Except for Savage Kitten.
She sometimes worries that I don't wear the clothes she buys me.
I gonna hafta prove that such things are much appreciated.
And that I am indeed wearing them, though at that time perhaps naught else.
Yes, please do imagine that I will look dashing.