ENGAGE THRUSTERS!

Through some bureaucratic cock-up, there is now a big box underneath my bed, which after consulting with my personal care physician will undoubtedly end up in the trash. It contains equipment (large scale) for the collection of a sample. Which I had already taken care of six weeks ago. Large print multi-page instruction for use booklet. Plastic jars and equipment for anchoring in place. The company that manufactured this bio-hazard marvel does not seem to have considered the logistics of their pet dinosaur. Undoubtedly there are some people who when they receive it are overjoyed. How thrilling to have such a device! It appeals to their anal personalities! Joy!

It looks clean, sterile, and positively Soviet in inspiration.
Like using it ranks you as a hero of the proletariat.
All that's missing is a listening device.


Or something satelite-linked to show its location at any given moment.
Perhaps a google-maps microchip.

I wonder if I should donate the entire thing to a neighborhood garage sale benefitting the poor and downhearted. Or as a contribution to the Firemen's Holiday toy drive.
Workplace Secret Santa! It's better than a chia pet!

The picture above does not show any part of it. It is an illustration of a valley landscape with traces of mist in early evening. There are frogs there, and some crickets. Plus buzzing insects. It is very summery altogether. No Prussian devices in sight.

It is entirely untouched by Midwest (Iowa) fecal matter collection technology. As most of this planet must, inevitably, be. Because there are companies out there which have NOT overthought things to an intercoursing fair-thee-well.

Their manual advises me to seek help if, in the process of satisfying their demands, I have difficulty getting up. And to consult with my doctor if I have Crohn's disease, foaming haemorrhoids, or diarrhea. It's a mercy that they didn't use the term 'bloody flux'.


Gentlemen, how about this: If I do have dysentery or gastroentiritis, I shall use your damned box, jar, prongs, tongs, scraper, and scoop for mineral particles and organic matter and have UPS deliver it to your facility forthwith. Does UPS know what those return labels are for? Are you giving them hazard pay? Guaranteeing that their children will be taken care of and educated if, heaven forfend, something in the truck goes disastrously wrong and the authorities use flamethrowers to prevent entire neighborhoods being wiped out?



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