RUB YOURSELF WITH VASELINE, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO

The other day, upon reading what I had said about my feet, a reader advised me to rub my tootsies with Vaseline, so that after a good nights' sleep they'd feel fresh as a baby's bottom. Which sounded delightful.
Even though it had not been phrased quite that way.


It reminded me of several other things with which one can rub oneself. Not just the feet, but also other parts of the body. And no, not for sexual reasons, although that naturally comes to mind.

Any one who rubs themselves thus and so may have issues. Not least of which is loneliness. Far far better to rub someone else. A cute and lively minx with sparkling eyes, pouty lips, and kissy cheeks, for instance. Especially if she is intelligent, wicked, and has a great sense of humour. Although why those characteristics relate to rubbing I cannot explain.
They just seem very important.

Consent is also a key element in that scenario. Matters will head south very fast indeed if you try it without ascertaining her informed and enthusiastic willingness to go along with the scheme first.
It's best to get that in writing.


I myself often rub my calves with a dab of virgin olive oil before bathing, because the skin there seems to feel itchy and dry in cold weather.
I also use a lotion on my face occasionally ere soaping up and razoring.
I have this theory that it makes my skin healthier and more resilient, and hence suitable for kissing. Which may be incorrect, and has not been put to the test since I started doing so.

And given how often I wash my hands (innumerable times a day), my hands could probably do with a good rub too.


I am further reminded of the wholesome fun that may be had by rubbing someone else, and additionally, that doing so is a good bonding exercise. As well as being quite delightful. Even if totally innocent, with no naughty behaviour ensuing. Neck, back, shoulders, feet. As well as hands.
Especially if she's cute, funny, sparkly-eyed, and worth kissing.
Whether or not she's fully clothed.

Olive oil. Nivea Smooth Sensation. Aveeno Baby Daily Moisture Lotion. Cocoa Butter. Curél Daily Moisture Original Lotion. Aveeno Anti-Itch Concentrated Lotion. Carmex Healing Lotion. Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula Skin Firming Lotion. Whipped cream. Strawberry jam.
Mineral oil, or Pond's Cold Cream.

"It penetrates quickly and leaves you feeling soft and moisturized."

No, I shall not rub my feet with Vaseline, as suggested. Nor put on socks over the greasy peds after, ere retiring for the night; I'm worried about petroleum jelly leakage.  Instead, I might take that bottle of olive oil into the bathroom with me before a nice long bath. Strictly for dry skin.
In lieu of body rubs, slickity substances, and the companionship of a snarky-minded friend, I shall spend nearly an hour in warm water, reading a mystery novel and dumping the ash from a cigarillo in the crapper. Maybe two or three cigarillos. Not just one.

If I aim just right, the ash won't hit the floor.
But the key is that none of it hit the tub.


Other than the solitude and silence, it really is the perfect way to spend a Saturday evening when one is a bit tired and did not go eat in C'town.
After a few cups of tea while soaking, and juicy descriptions of a crime scene which our curious hero investigated, it is time for a pipe.
Maybe next weekend I'll be more social.


Lard, and margarine.




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