ARE PIPE-SMOKERS BETTER LOVERS?

Several weeks ago one of my friends remarked that pipe smoking was a total chick magnet. Now this, you might think, would be very great encouragement to the single pipe-smoker. "I smoke a pipe", he will say, "therefore young ladies with smiling faces, intelligent eyes, and quirky intellects MUST flock around me".
Soon, certainly. It will happen.

Not so. His definition of "chick" is off.

Smiling faces indicate nice personalities.
Intelligent eyes mirror active minds.
Quirky intellects suggest brains.

Given that a young lady who has all of the above is probably one out of a thousand or more, her numbers in any one city are insufficient for flocking. It's his fault; he quantifies the subject too narrowly.

[SF: Population 825,000. Divide by two. Then divide by 7. Then divide by 1000+. Maximum fifty. Of whom most do not live downtown. And this is a very liberal guess-timate. Some of them are Vegan.]

What he gets instead are people of all the wrong ages, who will remark wistfully that their great-great grandfather used to smoke a pipe, and surely he must have met the man once? Several times?

Ladies, I will admit that I am older than you (because I cannot hide it), but that doesn't mean I experienced The Civil War first-hand. At fifty-three, I am considerably more youthful than your long-deceased ancestor, whom you esteemed, because he had the good taste to smoke a pipe. But our preference for briar is the only thing we share.

However.

There are several reasons why you should follow the splendid example of your great-great grandmother, who married a pipe-smoker.

Not least of which is that we are better smelling than cigar-smokers, more thoughtful, and trimmer too.

We also know a lot more. Cigar-smokers are a dull lot.


TOTAL CHICK MAGNET

1. Cigar-smokers tend to look like Winston Churchill, drunk, whereas pipe-smokers resemble Rhett Butler, sober.
2. A man with a pipe radiates creativity and gravitas; cigars advertise deep-seated Oedipal issues.
3. Pipe-smokers have a youthful vigour at any age; some of them still dance the foxtrot.
4. Cigarette smokers are known to steal from their mom's purse when desperate.
5. Pipe-smokers rarely have tattoos and never get out of bounds, ever.
6. Pipe-smokers overwhelmingly vote for the right candidate.
7. When you light up a cigarette, an angel weeps.
8. Cigar-smokers rip the wings off kittens.
9. Pipe-smokers are good listeners.

And lastly,
10. Pipe smokers love to provide fresh lobsters, oysters, melted butter, and champagne to sweet young ladies with smiling faces, intelligent eyes, and quirky intellects, of whom there may be as many as four dozen in this city.

Or bacon. Pipe-smokers also know that you lust after bacon.
Apple-wood smoked, pepper-coated, artisanal bacon.
We know where to find it.
We've got sources.


If any of my readers have deep thoughts about these matters, I would be keen to hear them. Discuss this at the next meeting of your book club, and get back to me. Let me know if you want bacon.

TOBACCO INDEX


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