THE ABORTED FRUITCAKE
A lovely piece of wood, well-turned, of balanced proportion.
And judging by the stamping on the stem, an exceptionally old piece.
That script hasn’t been used by that company in close to a hundred years.
What I smelled, however, better suited some white-slavers divan.
Gentlemen, there is no valid reason to smoke shredded Hello Kitty.
By doing that, you make any number of teenage Japanese girls desperately unhappy – there is now one less Hello Kitty in this world, oh woe! – and you make any number of people with good taste unhappy too.
It is a grievous sin to do so.
The effect on rabid non-smokers is immaterial. Who cares about them anyway.
But I’m sure you would like to keep the teenage Japanese Hello Kitty girlies happy – they squeal so prettily – and you absolutely need to keep us people of good taste happy too – we are much inclined towards violence when we smell smoldering harlot kittens.
Plus you need us to ‘get your back’ for you, when the rabid non-smokers roam the streets snapping and yowling, and in all ways resembling the coming of the zombie apocalypse.
We’ll clobber them for you. Provided you dump that funky fruitcake abortion that some ethically challenged poor excuse for a tobacconist fobbed off on you.
Please smoke a good tobacco.
Your health depends on it.
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Labels: Pipes and tobacco