COVERED IN GLUTEN, SHRIMP, AND NUTS

Time to sound like an old fart. So here goes: when I was growing up, several foods were still perfectly all right. Gluten, peanuts, soy bean products, dairy, eggs, and meat. Fatty pork and bacon in moderation, vegetables bred for key characteristics, mayonnaise, and deep-fried appetizers.
No one had heard of kale, chia seeds, açai berries.
Or doctor Oz.

The notorious snake-oil saleswoman who calls herself "the food babe" hadn't even erupted from her mommy's magical macrobiotic butterfly and wildflower womby-womb.

And no one had yet gestated the horrendous concept "soy free gluten free vegan sausage crumbles".

Or, for that matter, the balderdash known as the paleo diet.

Raw food, alkaline, cabbage soup?

Codswollop!




It turns out that some people are indeed allergic to peanuts, or cannot handle gluten. Not all grilled meat products, crab or shrimp salads, and deep-fried snacks actually contain peanuts or gluten, so there is hope, their lives aren't entirely dreary.

Most folks who claim special dietary needs, however, are special.
There are schools and buses for their kind.




Fortunately, most of those pustules strenuously avoid Chinatown. After just one experience with a counter woman who does not understand the stupid question, gives an unintelligible and irrelevant answer, and then evinces considerable impatience with crazy white people, the pathetic little special dietary needs wusses stay away.
Though not in droves.

Maybe their eccentricity takes a back seat when no one appreciates how wondrous it is. Or when no one is watching.

Dimsum and anything saucy are almost always artful combinations of glutenous products and soy, which so often contain meat (in addition to dried seafood flavours) as to make the concept vegan inoperable.
Buns, dumplings, noodles.

Peanuts and cilantro are optional.
But very much loved.


Many of you superior and finicky white folks need a fanny spanked. You are intolerably full of yourselves, and have nauseating pretensions.
You are not that special, and far too troublesome.
Spank your fannies good!


But please continue to stay away.
The rest of us will dine.
In your absence.
Very well.





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