GOOD NEWS, LADIES!

Manfully I resisted reading about this until fairly late in the day. Instead of jumping on it first thing, I smoked several pipes, had meals, drank a few caffeinated beverages, walked around town, hiccoughed, and pondered the mysteries of the universe, before finally falling on an article entitled "'Female Viagra': Libido pill Addyi approved by FDA" like a starving man on a bottle of Irish whiskey...

"The US Food and Drug Administration has approved a libido-enhancing drug for women ... "

Assuredly, this is a giant step forward for gender equality. Next thing you know there will be female priests. And possibly, altar girls.

Ladies who previously were utterly bored by sex will now be able to be less bored, without the help of marijuana and alcohol.


LESS BORED EQUALS A FAINT WHOOPIE

The drug in question works on the brain rather than on the circulation in the venereal region. Given that women consist of about fifteen or twenty highly unpredictable erogenous zones, some of which may or may not be out of order at any given time, that approach was probably best.

Quote:
" ... trials had shown an increase "in the number of satisfying sexual events", although experts suggest the test results were modest."
End quote.

Quote:
"Versions of the pill have been submitted for approval in the past but never passed; it was rejected by the FDA twice for lack of effectiveness and side effects like nausea, dizziness and fainting."
End quote.

Yes, I know I shouldn't laugh. But just like Viagra, it will be misused, and must therefore be the butt of jokes.

The other night a friend and I were walking down the street when an entrepreneurial gentleman offered us Viagra pills for five bucks. What is it about two fairly decent looking youngish middle-aged fellows that suggests Viagra (or Cialis) might be a desideratum?

We're not frat-boys, we do not screw in the street.
To the best of my knowledge neither of us screws.

An increase in the "number of satisfying sexual events", besides sounding like something a South Indian Ashram would encourage, as well as a United Nations program, is indeed something devoutly to be wished.
But count me out. I am not interested in the slightest. No girlfriend, ergo no sexual events in several years, satisfying or otherwise.
In all likelihood, I am precisely like previous versions of the drug.
And may cause nausea, dizziness, and fainting.


You know, there's a condom in one of my jacket pockets. And in the same way that lighting up a cigarette immediately gets the waitress to come over and take your order, or the bus to turn the corner and come to a screeching stop right where you had been waiting, or nowadays an angry Berkeleyite earth-mother to pop out of nowhere screaming about how you're ruining the planet, giving her heartburn, asthma, and a rash, plus killing babies, a condom in the pocket is potent magic; it absolutely guarantees that I will NEVER be left wishing I had a condom.
The dark aura it emits chases away all happy drunken poon.
As well as brilliant sexy brainiacs with glasses.
Or cute little PHD candidates.
Even Vegans.

A condom in the pocket is a talisman that wards off sex.

A female version of Viagra will guarantee desperation.

When there's no connection, no "events" will occur.

Should've stuck with the nausea and dizziness, ladies. Those are more easily achieved. A few cocktails should do it, and there are far fewer potential regrets.

I would offer you a smoke, but you'd probably kill me.
And turn my skin into a neat-o handbag.


You know, I cannot get excited about a female sex pill. Just like the invention of Viagra left me cold. All I can do is react sarcastically.
I am entirely uninvolved in "events", I do not care in the slightest whether they result in any effing satisfaction; good, bad, or indifferent.

Same goes for the Viagra the idiot tried to sell me.

Do I look limp and desperate?

Or just grouchy?


"SATISFYING SEXUAL EVENTS"

There are far too many of those in the world as it is. Why would anyone think that increasing their number would serve a useful purpose?

The economy will come to a halt if this is allowed.

Productivity will plummet.



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