It contains nothing of a Jewish nature.
It is not funny.
Nothing Dutch will be slagged.
Nothing Christian will be trashed.
There are NO deep and meaningful observations.
I have four products by DAN TOBACCO in my stockpile.
LIMERICK VIRGINIA FLAKE
A dark flake, with 5% Perique.
It is woodsy, musty, spicy, and grassy.
SHANNON – SWEET & MELLOW
Virginias with a top casing (which is melon-like).
Sweet and fruity – if not dried out a bit, too fruity. But it is clean smoking.
[One tin only – purchased so that the several tins of LIMERICK would have someone to talk to. I’m not crazy.]
HAMBORGER VEERMASTER
Golden Flake.
Grassy, sweet, figgy. Mild and well-behaved. Smooth. Probably has a touch of Burley.
[A ‘veermaster’ is a four-masted ship much resembling a clipper. A kind of schooner, maybe. They're proud of it in Hamburg.]
TORDENSKJOLD OLD VIRGINIA SLICES
Virginia and Perique (but probably less than four percent Perique, as it is does not stand out).
Nice little tangy slices of flake with a sweet top note. Of an ilk with Hamborger Veermaster.
[The lid bears the visage of Scandinavian naval hero Peder Wessel Tordenskjold ('thundershield'), born 1691, died 1720. There is a statue of him in his native town of Trondheim (the home of the Trøndurs).]
All told, around twenty tins. I do not smoke Virginias enough to overstock these products. Unlike the English, Balkan, and Oriental mixtures, of which I have over six hundred tins (over four hundred of Dunhill alone). But Virginias can be a very pleasant smoke, and do not off-piss the female of the species much more than is strictly necessary.
The other evening I was in the teevee room with a load of flake on, when Savage Kitten hollered from the other room: “Are you SMOKING in there?” I responded with: “I don’t know WHAT you mean!”. She then asked “Old Toad, are you LYING?” Again I answered “I don’t know WHAT you mean!”
About fifteen minutes later she came in and discovered that I was indeed smoking (the trick to plausible deniability is not actual denial but dissimulation – please remember that).
Had I been smoking something like Durbar or 965, with the rich heady fragrance of Latakia and the delightfully resinous perfume of Turkish leaf wafting forth without restraint, I am sure she would not have asked whether I was smoking, but have firmly yelled something to the effect that 'nasty stinky brimstone weed belongs in the kitchen or out on the front-steps!'. Or even out past the end of the block by the colony of bums sleeping in the church doorway.
And there would have been no recourse.
Call me fragile, but I very much prefer to smoke indoors.
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NOTE: I have several other Virginias in the stockpile, in addition to some blended MacBaren products. But I have no Dutch tobaccos, as they are putrid, hot-smoking, or bland - sometimes all three, with nasty tongue-burn guaranteed. Harsh and nauseating. No one should have Dutch tobacco. This is by no means a slag but simply a statement of fact.
TOBACCO INDEX
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NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
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3 comments:
Interesting. So she'll let you smoke in the KITCHEN? I would think that as bad as anywhere else in the house, or worse, since it might get into the food.
Surely you should have a study or library or some sort, a 'smoking den' (not unlike a den of iniquity, only with more books and better company).
The kitchen window is always wide open, the door swings shut by itself, and there are no small stuffed animals in there.
[In fact, most of the small stuffed roomies are not allowed into the kitchen after the Head Sheep (a small degenerate made out of a sock) tried slamming the oven door on one of the others while she was making biscuits. He says it was an accident - but we have observed that for some reason he always looks incredibly guilty.]
I think you are mistaking a sheepish look for a guilty look.
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