TOFU IS ALL-AMERICAN!

After recent farm reports, one thing is clear: America's little cupcakes (women, wives) will have to learn to cook. Tofu. Specifically tofu. Reason being that the farmers in the Midwest overwhelmingly voted patriotically for the orange wanker and his tariffs to make America great again, and no one outside the United States now wants to buy our soybeans, of which we produce far too large a quantity for the domestic demand. China is now purchasing its soybeans from places like Venezuela (our enemy over since the Iron Curtain) and other countries in Latin America (who have hated us since time before Christ).

Sadly, because of lefties in Berkeley, most Americans believe tofu can only be prepared by deepfrying it to the plank stage in safflower oil, or whipping it up in a blender with wheatgrass. Not so!

Tofu is purely excellent with bacon and barbecue sauce! Just dust it with cornflour (of which we also produce an undesireable surfeit), gild it in hot lard, drain it, and sauce it in the pan with with some coarse cut bacon and a jigger of Bourbon (again, an undesireable surfeit), and gently stir in some barbecue sauce. And, if you are Texan, add Cholula hotsauce.
From an American company, headquartered in Maryland.
Add chopped green onion to garnish.

Please note that this method can be varied almost infinitely. Instead of bacon, ground beef, shrimp, or chicken can be used. A splash of corn liquour (your uncle Bubba) or soysauce (made from American excess soybeans) are also good additions.
If you have children, add corn syrup for appeal.

Tofu is also great for breakfast, fried up with crumbled Jimmy Dean Sausage and chopped green chilies in a satisfying hearty scramble! Or with bacon and cheese (there is a big Wisconsin mountain of the stuff) over your hashbrowns!

[Note: I can't believe I used two exclamation marks while mentioning breakfast. I never eat breakfast.
Coffee, tobacco, and doomscrolling are how I start the day. TWO exclamation marks! Two!]


Think about sliced pressed smoky tofu sandwiches.
Or air-fried like okra, very Southern.

Tofu would also be great with cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves, for Halloween.
Mary in Mississippi probably likes it with pumpkin.
She goes a bit nuts every Autumn.

And for Thanksgiving! As a casserole!
Midwestern style.


Don't get me started on tempeh.
Texans would jes' love that!

Exclamation marks!
All-American!



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