YOUR FIRST DATE IS COFFEE

Misreading a meme yielded a lovely thought. First date coffee! Obviously perfect for quiet people who do not have ridiculous fantasies. Because, as you naturally understand, one has to establish conversational patterns. Two cups of coffee or milk tea to go, a bench in a quiet area without many people, sunlight, and maybe a book or two. Plus, of course, I would probably spoil it by lighting up a pipe (we are outside), though I would take care to sit downwind so that the smoke wouldn't bother her.

In this day and age, middle aged men who smoke are not what you want to take home to meet your cat, despite what the movies from the nineteen fifties suggest. What you probably want is a buff stud with meaningful tattoos who drinks soy lattes. Which I think is a halloween movie, but then I don't have a single tattoo, and I consider soy a perfect foil for fatty pork, garlic, and shrimp paste.

First date: two to-go plates of tofu chunks drenched in garlicky sauce with chopped fatty pork. Crumbled peanuts and minced scallion to garnish.

Sounds just about perfect.

As a complete impurist, I firmly believe that Ma Po Tofu, like fish-fragrance eggplant, benefits from the addition of meat and fun textural elements. Veganism is for mental rabbits.

Garlic is not really essential for a date.
But never-the-less advised.


If another person very happily tolerates your gustatory tastes and your pipe, then he or she is probably ideal for you. If he or she reads a lot, and also occasionally might enjoy a pipe, that too is excellent.

There are reasons why you should come to me for dating advice.

No alternative medicine vegans.
Ever.



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