KINDLY SHUT UP ABOUT MOTHERS DAY.

Herewith a conversation -- as well as I can remember it -- with my apartment mate, who is a Chinese American female. Because I am a Dutch American male, I naturally have my own ideas and experience. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Me: So all over the city apartments are dark because people are visiting their mom for mothers day and making sure she has all the Bourbon and Crab Rangoon she wants.

Her: White guy cultural appropriation.

Me: No not at all, it was invented by Trader Vic here in SF.

Her: Some weird white guy with a sick Polynesian thing going on.

Me: But it's not Polynesian. Rangoon is Burma.

Her: I've never had Crab Rangoon.

Me: Sure you did, they served it in the Student Union at State.

Her: Oh yeah, like I could afford real food back then. All I had was the pizza, I never bought seafood, I just watched white folks eating it.

Now, I never knew Crab Rangoon had actual crab in it, I thought it was just cream cheese or congealed ranch wrapped in a wonton skin and deepfried. But she corrected me. Authentic versions really do contain crab. So it's not kosher, in addition to being inedible crap.

How was I to know? I simply thought it was America's favourite hors d'oeuvre, in addition to a celebration of tiki culture. And probably great with rumaki and grape salad.

So naturally Americans would force-feed it to their mothers today, it's probably one of the few celebratory things the poor dears know how to cook. In addition to tuna casserole, that is.


You'll have to forgive me for being slightly cynical, and sneering. All of the internet AND social media are full of Mothers Day today. Y'all forcing it down our throat.


Just give her a gift-wrapped can of Spam™ and an Oliva Melanio Figurado (cigar of the year in 2014). Nothing says mothers day like a fine cigar. And the meat product is America's gustatory gift to the world. Moms love it.

Okay?



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