THE IDEAL WOMAN

One of my acquaintances recently asked for advice about women - he's having love issues, you see.
And while I myself am experiencing a dry-spell in that regard, I qualify as an expert.
After all, I have years of experience with women.

Well, one woman.
But let the ONE stand in for the multitudes I could have known if I had ever been a "player".
Trust me, it's close.
More than him, in any case.

What, he wanted to know, should one look for in a woman?

In one word: a pulse.

Evidently that wasn't quite the answer.
He clarified that he wished to ascertain what the signal characteristics were of the ideal woman.
What was such a person like, what were her interests, and what did she like to do?


THE IDEAL WOMAN

Since SK and I split-up, I have had plenty of time to think about what makes a woman desirable, and I've spent many years observing my fellow humans besides. I have devoted much consideration to the matter.

The ideal woman likes cuddle-dozing, bathing, humpies, history, and dictionaries.

[Humpies are exactly like American Football. Except that instead of twenty two burly men divided into two teams, there are just two players. No team, and normally no astro turf or protective padding is required. Score-keeping is complicated and requires its own post.]


Not, you understand, that I've actually ever met a woman who passionately liked all five of those things.
But I consider all of them pretty important.
The five of them together pretty much guarantee a happy relationship.
Gotta have most of them. At least four.


Cuddle-dozing, bathing, humpies, history, and dictionaries.


I thought this explanation was self-explanatory, but he remained querulous.
He couldn't understand the dictionary thing at all, what kind of dictionaries? What? Languages, OED, etymological, specialized vocabularies? No, that's quite as dull as history!
She should speak English - all that other stuff is boring.

There were further questions.

'Alcohol is not desirable. Especially not beer!'

"But I like beer!"

'Nice women do not quaff beer! And neither should you - have you ever smelled beer breath? It's disgusting!'


I'm not sure he understood this new and shocking concept. Drinking beer was traditional when watching the game.
He really likes beer, he really likes the game. Surely the ideal woman would also?

'Nice women do NOT watch the game - they aren't into burly-men sports.
The closest they might come is humpies (see previous mention), and that, strictly speaking, is not competitive. Drop the damned beer!'


Apparently the beer stays. In lieu, as he puts it, of history and dictionaries.

That other stuff is probably okay, but he insists upon a woman who drinks beer and watches the game.
Those are the condiciones sine non quibus of his wish-list.

I don't think he really wants an ideal woman, he wants a skank.
He should have no problem finding one.
Even without expert advice.


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