I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO YOUR MIND GAMES, CRAZY WHITE MAN!

At times I wish I could do the Jedi Mind Trick. Most often this is when I'm on the bus to work.
I don't quite understand it, but the Number One California line always seems to suffer from out-in-the-avenues types. People from a kinder, gentler America, where there is lots of open space, everybody still wears a tie to work, and if you get on a bus you are the ONLY person riding that day.


MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS, MORON!

Some of these law-office drones heading in to the Embarcadero Center just do not understand that other people need to ride too. Once they have gotten on, surely the bus is full? Why would there be any reason to let other people on? Why move even one step further in?

There is, early in the morning, nothing quite so objectionable as someone with three hands holding a steaming cup of Starbucks (spill that on me and I will force you to eat your nose), a cell-phone, and a large briefcase. Perhaps, if they had put their fourth arm on that day, they could also hold on to something when the bus moves again.
Or stick a finger up their nose to flick the on-switch for their brain.

MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS, MORON!

Once the bus crosses Van Ness Avenue, all outer-avenues thought processes cease. They can see the throng of Chinese at the Polk, Larkin, Hyde Street stops, but it never dawns on them that those people intend to get on also.
Even if there is a HUGE AMOUNT OF SPACE in the back of the bus - the entire aisle from seat four to fifty four - it would be unreasonable to let anyone else board.
Important law-office employees and bankers have precedence. Doesn't everyone know that?

MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS, MORON!

For me, this is usually not a problem. I just push my way in, saying "excuse me" in a tone that brooks no opposition. And really, I don't mind being in close contact with these dipwads, as I will need a crumple zone if the bus comes to a screeching stop.
I think that might be all they're good for anyway. Spongy buffering.
The reason I wish I could perform the Jedi Mind Trick is so that the elderly aunties getting on at the same time could find a seat. It just isn't reasonable that some twenty-something dipwad wearing a JC Penney tie and stain-resistant slacks should continue texting, instead of getting up.


"You will move to the back of the bus, you will move to the back of the bus!"

"Yes, Lord Vader."

"You will NOT clusterfudge in front of the rear exit, you will NOT clusterfudge in front of the rear exit!"

"Yes, Lord Vader."

"You will wear decent ties, you will wear decent ties."

"Eh, Lord Vader?"


The other two buses I ride regularly don't have this problem. Folks on the bus up Pacific Avenue back from C'town make room for everyone, and riders who take the 30 Stockton know that space is limited. It's just the office workers on the number one who are selfishly blind, stupidly inconsiderate.
They don't want THEIR bus to stop in Chinatown. Ever.


I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO YOUR MIND GAMES, CRAZY WHITE MAN!

The title of this post is by Sara, who thus commented on one of my posts.
It's a lovely phrase. Very evocative. Suggestive even.
Ever since, I've been curious about the kind of person who would write that, but alas, she has not yet elected to publicly share her Profile.
If I continue to play mind games, maybe she'll eventually succumb.

Meantime, I'll content myself by radiating Darth-Vaderish negativity at the other passengers on the bus. Some of them are so dipwadly gifted that it's just got to work.

If they prove too dense even to pick up on my vibes, I can always scream "move to the back of the bus, moron!"

I am a crazy white man. They would do well to fear me.


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