One of my well-meaning but clueless friends who does not read this blog, upon hearing that I am single again and "probably desperate for a lay" (his insane and intemperate interpretation!), suggested in the strongest possible terms that a woman he knew was perfect, just perfect, and I'd really enjoy meeting her. She's so interesting! Why, we we're ideal for each other!
"And she's only forty six!"
Okay...............................
E-MAIL EXCHANGE
Apparently, among many other 'interesting things' (ten pages worth) she takes "long walks on the beach with her several dogs, and likes nothing better than spending lots of time with her nine grandkids".
Holy Chrysler!
Nine grandkids?!?
What happened, lady, the entire tribe of Judah tromped through your pelvis?
It never even came to a meeting.
I have no plans to date the 'Dog Woman Ancestress Of The Fecund Loins'.
That's one tribal epic that ain't gonna get written.
But it got me thinking. What kind of personal ad would appeal to EXACTLY the right type?
Self-depreciation?
"Non-athletic grumpus wants weak-minded female....."
How about startlingly blunt?
"Crusty old fart seeks like-minded opposite number....."
Disarmingly honest?
"Middle-aged person of merely average height....."
A note of forewarning, perhaps?
"Decent looking enough, slight reek of tobacco....."
An appeal to oddness?
"Man with a reverie-inducing smell of cigars....."
Frankness?
"Let's go out together and sneer at the same things....."
Bald-faced lies! Those always work!
"Sensitive mature Adonis....."
Okay, maybe a minor fudging of details.
"Strong silent type with square chin....."
I'm still working on it.
It's extremely doubtful that anything will come of it, seeing as lonely heart adverts are dreadfully old-fashioned (as well as being amusingly desperate), but it might make an interesting literary endeavor.
In any case, it's better than being bullied by amateur matchmakers.
I tried to explain to my friend that other than the demographic bomb and the dogs, I had NO objection to grandmothers, really, even if they do have food hang-ups (quote: "Chinese food gives me gas"), political ideas straight out of the dark-ages (quote: "Sarah Palin is right about..."), cultural ignorance to a fare-thee-well (quote: "I don't read books by Russians!"), abysmally bad taste (quote: "my collection of puppy figurines..."), old-time religion (quote: "if you're right by Jesus..."), and horrid personal habits (quote: "I paint my fingernails every Thursday...").
Truly.
I could probably put up with almost any of those, even in combination.
Provided I was at least twenty miles removed from the woman at all times.
I'm assuming that she's a woman. Although she could be a troll. Or an Orc.
There's NO part of her habitus that accords with mine. None.
No, I cannot see myself sitting down to a cup of tea, a pipe, and a good book in her company. Nor heading to a new restaurant for some enjoyable food discoveries in early evening, just the two of us. Or walking over the top of Nob Hill on a crisp night, arm in arm.
I can, however, see myself moving at great speed to get away from her pack of dogs and rabid grandkids.
Even with that head-start of twenty miles I mentioned.
Don't you DARE spring her on me unannounced!
She lives in Fremont, you say?
Boruch Hashem.
I am SO avoiding Fremont.
But thanks a lot for "thinking" of me.
Dude.
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3 comments:
Man, I was sure you were being set up with Famke Janssen
Famke Janssen?
Well, no.
I’m thinking that the object of my complete non-desire was more like a child-bearing Frau Blucher.
But I never met her.
Third-party e-mails were enough to dissuade me entirely.
Hmmm. Ok, how about this:
Me: pipe-puffing tobacco enthusiast, mercurial, middle aged, borderline misanthropic, foodie, news junkie, student of history, Judeophile, Sinophile, autodidact, bookworm, lover of all things frilly and silky worn by females of the species, hater of most things Dutch, practitioner of elaborate morning rituals and ablutions, detester of slick marketing types, zest for life yet very cynical, derisive of Berkeley leftists and Sara Palin.
You: petite, whip-smart, fiesty, saucy, appreciator of gastronomic delights, admirer of men with life experience, blogger, long-time denizen of the East or West Coast, news junkie, knows when to babble and knows when to keep quiet. Is able to put up with a lot. And I do mean a lot.
Let's meet and hang out for ten, twenty, years or more.
How's that?
Pilfer from it shamelessly.
Now, get out there and circulate.
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