Tomorrow is the day when all proper Americans sit down to a Turkey dinner, graciously putting up with food that is just okay to downright mediocre, relatives with issues or defects, and questionable strangers that someone recklessly and entirely without asking decided to invite.
More than any other day, Thanksgiving is a triumph of bad judgment.
It is the perfect American family celebration.
Maybe you should have been born to different parents.........
"Who are all these people? And why do I have to put up with them? --- Could this crap taste better if I did the cooking? --- If I smoke that reefer now, I can probably get through the day without gagging --- Teevee, ballgame, beer, and hooting boys? I need a frikkin' valium!'"
All kinds of thoughts go through your head as you prepare to suffer through the feast - some of them quite obscene, and likely involving a niece.
But what if you don't like roast turkey on Thanksgiving? What then?
Do not panic - there is MUCH that you can do with a turkey.
The turkey is a multi-facetted foodstuff that can serve a vast variety of purposes.
TEN THINGS TO DO WITH ROAST TURKEY
1. Drop-kick it Lord Jesus through the goalposts of life.
2. Use it as a paperweight till "they" start gagging.
3. Re-gift it a month hence.
4. Paint it orange and wear it to Giants games.
5. Put it in the blender and treat it like a frog.
6. It's your baby! Wheel it through town.
7. Airmail it to Africa.
8. Cover it with oil and play 'pervert'.
9. Keep your medications in the cavity.
10. Tinsel and lights for Christmas.
TEN MORE THINGS TO DO WITH ROAST TURKEY
11. Leave it on the church doorstep with a letter asking for a good home.
12. Draw a frowny face on it and put it on your porch.
13. File it under T.
14. Talk to it on the bus.
15. Blame it for your divorce. Then shoot it.
16. Love it tender, love it true; never let it go.
17. Hide it in the attic with grandma.
18. Call it Barbie and give it to your niece, then scream that she doesn't love you when she weeps.
19. At meetings, it's your cell-phone and it's ringing!
20. He's the man you intend to marry and you don't care what your parents think!
If you are a Vegetarian or Vegan, please use a Tofurky instead.
Alternatively, you could just pretend you have re-discovered your proud Scottish Heritage, and loudly insist on something far more culturally appropriate (and even less edible) for the family feast.
You are defiant, you are single-minded, you WILL HAVE YOUR WAY!
With any luck, you will not be invited again. Ever.
Once was enough, keep that kilt-wearing maniac away from family gatherings!
Hah, I didn't like Turkey anyhow!
Bitches.
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4 comments:
How about this kind of turkey?
Tayere Yeshive Bokher,
That kind of turkey I have NO quibble with.
I'll probably consume some before the day is out.
I was going to put some shmaltz in my tomato soup for this shabbes, but the only shmaltz which I had in the freezer was Indik-Shmaltz (bags and bags of it, left over from a few months ago).
Because the goyyem eat Indik this weekend, I figured it would not be appropriate for me to use it, lest I be practicing chukkôs haggoyyem. Avoid the bird until at least after Sunday. Possibly even after Monday, because Monday still has shayches to the Festival of the Goyyem. See here.
Tayere Mar Gavriel,
Interessante, eigentlich fascinerende, insichten.
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