I haven't done so in a while and I need to catch up. Hence this post.
Normally I am a severe puritan when it comes to tobacco (Balkan blends, and the occasional pressed Virginia), but I do sometimes experiment with aromatics, though I will usually deny it - one doesn't wish to be known by ones predilections.
Nor do I speak lovingly of such flavoured products, instead delivering stern sermons on the sanctity inherent in natural mixtures made fragrant only with Oriental leaf.
I am a purist, a prude, and, admittedly, a hypocrite.
I have smoked aromatics, and I still do. Just not very often. It's a mood thing.
I have described some aromatic tobaccos as innocent dewy teenagers, fresh and affectionate. Yet others have been older ladies, more worldly but discrete. Tarty but not overly sinful. And a few have been very knowing little temptresses. It's all a question of perfume.
Today I floated my nose over a tin I had not smelled in a while.
SWEET CHEESES INTERCOURSE!
In fact,
WHOLLY TISH!!
This stuff smells like the whore of Babylon. This is no innocent young thing, this is the clapped out sex-hag from hell. Overly painted, spike heeled, and with a studded bullwhip to boot. Diseased and greasy. Good heavens what a totally foul and loathsome product.
Stuffing this in your pipe regularly will give you a case of the pox, probably a medicine-resistant version that will end up progressively disfiguring you. Your wife and kids will leave you, you will loose your job, car, and house, and the parish priest will excoriate you and chase you from the church with holy water and Latin curses. Your dog will shy away yelping in terror.
Smoke this, and you prove yourself beyond salvation. You deviant!
DA VINCI
By Dan Tobacco
Description: "A delightful blend of light Virginia grades combined with Black Cavendish. Infused with Tuscan red wine, this blend has a pleasant aroma."
I shall not speculate as to the tobacco component - no tobacco deserves to be this intercoursed up. It whiffs like a Panetone gone very bad indeed. Soddenly sweet, with notes of stale Ripple and Thunderbird, spiced with a Hello Kitty overlay and a strong sopping of rancid butter. Plus unsubtle hints of caramel, coconut, and vanillin.
Faugh!
No, I did not buy this tin. Last year Tom at the pipe store had opened it, to sample. He had one bowlful. One. Then one of the owners tested it also. Once. And that was that. It sat in the sample bin for several months. No one else dared touch it.
Their lurid descriptions made it a pariah.
Today, finally, someone smoked another bowl.
A fresh-faced young man came in to the store looking for an aromatic. Some degenerate, I shall NOT say who, suggested that for a completely unique experience he should try some of this mixture. Which the young man did. He did not particularly like it, though he granted that it was interesting and unusual. Then he purchased two ounces of black vanilla Cavendish and left.
Afterwards, having finished my own pipe (I had been smoking Presbyterian Mixture), I reached for the tin of Da Vinci to see if it was as horrid as I remembered.
It was worse. The fruity slut-funk in which this poor syphilitic orphan was soaked does not age well. And now there is also an additional reek of sweatsocks. Or is it cheesy armpits? Whatever. Nasty.
Kill the perverted trollop and put her out of our misery, she is beyond saving. Feh.
I suspect that the last tin of this will remain on the store shelves for many years. Unlike other discontinued pipe mixtures, this will never fetch a high price on e-bay. It is utterly undesirable. You could not bribe me to take it off your hands.
But I will gladly pay to see the expression on a customer's face, when he pops the lid and realizes that he's been had.
Maybe, just maybe, I should buy it as a curiosity.
I can always assault little old ladies with it if I get bored.
TOBACCO INDEX
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6 comments:
Just as long as you don't go around saying "NI" to old ladies.
It sounds like a blend that's right up your alley. Most divine. Delightful. Do you intend to seduce teenage girlipoodles with it?
You should. Un tabac fragramtissiment avec Eau de Bonjour Petite Chat!
Very nice.
---Graunthomme Patelle
Obviously something Grant would smoke.
Did I already say that it sounds incredibly nasty?
Hi Grant! Panties much?
Okay. I bought the last tin. There is no more. It is probably the very last of its kind in America. Boruch Hashem.
Now, what to do with it?
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