MY STOMACH SPEAKS!

I have a great fondness for hairy men. The shaggier, the better.
In fact, I often wish that there were more excessively furry men walking around naked or nearly so, so that I could point at them and tell Savage Kitten "see, hon, I really ain't that hairy".
I have barely any pelt at all.


"I am a smooth man, but my brother Esau is a hairy man. I am a smooth man."
-----Jacob Isaacsen Abrahamsen van Oer, a notorious inheritance cheat and smooth operator.


The problem with Savage Kitten is that she has a thing for furry anthropomorphic creatures. The froad. The head sheep. The one-legged monkey who stole her finest silk shirt. The various kung-fu hamsters (which were at Walgreens around kretchmuchtime 2003). Louise, Piggelt, and Bucky.

And my stomach.

She calls my stomach 'Fuzz Bert'. And in her presence, Fuzz Bert speaks. Usually he vehemently disagrees with whatever I have just said. Fuzz Bert also says very provocative things, and clearly believes that Savage Kitten needs help against me.
Fuzz Bert, alas, finds me wanting in many respects.
I have threatened to punch Fuzz Bert if he keeps insulting me, but his only reaction was "go ahead, big boy, I dare you".



FUZZ BERT AND THE TWINS

This morning Fuzz Bert had a very long talk with the Harry Twins - those being, I have been led to believe (by both Savage Kitten and Fuzz Bert), my buttocks. Given that all three of these rambunctious members of the household were fully covered, it would have been fitting if they had modestly kept quiet. But no. Unseen they may have been, unheard they certainly weren't. Making my morning coffee with those three in the kitchen, just chattering away, proved quite a challenge. I am not fully sentient before the caffeine hits me, and am easily distracted. Even confused - can't yet think without that cup of wake-me-up.
Conversation that early adds stress.

Savage Kitten, on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed their discussion. Their loud and boisterous criticism of the toad (me) did not interfere in any way with her breakfast preparations. She calmly went about making hot cocoa and a plate of potato nibbles while they conversed, without the slightest fuss or interruption, even interjecting a few cogent comments at times, which Fuzz Bert and the Harry Twins (Alfred and Aethelred) happily seized upon and further developed.

Once my coffee was ready I returned to the other room and sat down. Which shut up Alfred and Aethelred.
I wish it would've had the same effect on Fuzz Bert, but the noisy bugger followed me.