THE MANLY SMELL OF CAT VOMIT

A fellow smoker recently remarked that for some reason a link I had sent him would not get past his puritanical firewall. One word in the title made his computer system reject it, as if it were some kind of toxic spam. 
I had sent him the link months ago, so I couldn’t quite remember which post it was. But as the only posts in which I use "florid" metaphoric language are the ones about aromatic pipe tobaccos, it was obvious that it must have been one of those.

This post then is an attempt to push the envelope without offending his severely Calvinist fire-wall.


AROMATIC PIPE TOBACCOS

No man in his right mind should smoke aromatics. More than anything else they suggest degeneracy and depravity to an appalling degree, as well as the distinct probability of unclean diseases and spanking. Unfortunately many pipe-store employees will gladly take the opportunity to get rid of the garbage that they themselves wouldn’t smoke with a ten-foot pole by unloading it on an unsuspecting virgin.
Some of these blushing innocents never recover. They develop a fondness for brutality, and continue puffing aromatics.

Such as the tobaccos below.
Smoking any one of these is an offense against God, good taste, and your pet cat.


SHANNON
This utterly defies description. It is a predominantly blondish ribbon cut mixture drenched in melon essence, and should remind the civilized smoker of nothing so much as teen prostitutes, possibly male, hooking for drug money. If you thought the girl next door was bad, this proves that you haven’t seen half of it yet.
It is a very high quality product from an excellent company.
Fairly smooth, too.

ERINMORE FLAKE
The topping is pineapple and licorice, what all manly men smell like. Hello Kitty and the floozies of Sodom and Gomorrah. When I was younger I smoked two bowls of this in succession and heaved my guts out on the sidewalk. I'm sure the local church types thought I was a juvenile alcoholic.
Underneath the smell of Parisian bagnio, this is a really lovely quality flake tobacco that renders down to a very fine white ash, if you smoke it slowly. If you don't, the fruit sap will boil into your briar and take the devil to get out. And you'll probably throw up.
Highly recommended.

FOUNDERS RESERVE
I have a fondness for this tobacco, but unfortunately it attracts Lesbians.
Not being a Lesbian, that does nothing for me.
Still, very good stuff.

DA VINCI
The crown jewel of pornofumic nastiness, the golden tinfoil in the dragon's lair of vile.
There is nothing good that can be said about this.
Somebody dumped sugar in the sewer.
I'm keeping one tin to commit war crimes with.

ENNERDALE FLAKE
Precisely what biker bars smell like. Or the cubicles in those video palaces where you can preview bestiality flicks from Europe or documentaries about big swaggering Persians and their chickens.
About which I would know nothing.
I am far too pure and upstanding to ever smoke such monstrosities.
Although I did finish the tin.
Not bad at all.

CLAN 
Suggestions for what you can do in Holland if you aren't into prostitution, disease, and drugs.
The Dutch tolerate a very wide spectrum of odd behaviour.

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I usually keep several cans of perfumed leaf on hand because I like ghosting a pipe occasionally.
It's also something to smoke when reading Bertrice Small or Julie Garwood.

At some future time I will pen my thoughts about Troost, Flying Dutchman, Captain Black, and several Danish products. Ideas from readers about other candidates for reviewing will be happily accepted.

There are still a few pipes I haven't ruined yet.


I have no cat.


TOBACCO INDEX


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