ANGRY MOBS, RAMPANT THUGGISM, OR JUST THOSE SMOKERS?

We smokers, when we're not trying to kill your children with our cancer-causing fumes and effluvia, or nauseate your delicate stomachs, or blacken the innocent lungs of people five counties over, are a potentially violent bunch of over-indulgers, profligates, and orgiasts. Nay, veritable brigands, rapists, and incendiarists. We're so evil. Gevalt.


Quote from a newsletter:

SMOKING BAN A THREAT TO PUBLIC ORDER

The ban on smoking in cafés and clubs which comes into effect on July 1 may lead to extra tension and security problems around busy night spots such as the Rembrandtplein and Leidseplein in Amsterdam, says the safety and crisis management institute COT in Friday’s Parool.[Source: http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2008/06/]


The original article in Het Parool can be found here:
http://www.parool.nl/parool/nl/4/AMSTERDAM/article/detail/16649/2008/06/06/Lallende-cafeganger-buiten-kan-probleem-zijn.dhtml
It's entirely in Dutch, so you'll just have to accept my assurance that the headline "Lallende caféganger buiten kan probleem zijn" is actually rather pithy. The verb 'lallen' implies joyous over-the-top misbehaviour. Celebratory perversity, in fact. Such as a drunkard would commit.

[Het Parool ( http://www.parool.nl/ ) was founded during WWII as a resistance newspaper (for background, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Het_Parool). It is a far better newspaper than the Algemeen Dagblad or the Telegraaf. The Netherlands no longer has the over-all excellent journalism of the fifties and sixties, but Het Parool still has integrity and still maintains high standards.]



A SINCERE (& HEARTFELT) PLEA FOR ACTION

It is essential to insulate the pure and innocent public from deviants such as us. The reason being that when we're not 'snoozing in the gutter (as the rioting begins)' after a night of cheap cigars, black shag, navy flake, or coarse Turkish, we are 'too drunk to give a hoot ' about your wellbeing. We will threaten and leer. We will endanger you - unless we are stopped. You need to be protected.

Yes you do.

Trust me.

Give us our own places, and we won't bother you. And it seems logical that you would want to keep us INDOORS. Away from traffic. Away from the horses. Away from the sensitive eyseses and noseses of the gentler sex. Away from sweet little Catholic schoolgirls with their little plaid skirts, plump girlish thighs, and white white socks.

I suggest stocking the 'smokers-reserves' with lots of good reading material in several languages, plus a broad selection of single malts, fine Irish distillates, cognac, and Armagnac. This (plus a choice of teas and coffee) will keep us inside. Guaranteed.

You lot can have the gin and vodka. And we sincerely hope you enjoy drinking it. Outside.

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NOTE: The statements "snoozing in the gutter as the rioting begins" and "too drunk to give a hoot" are praedictions by concerned non-smokers Eric S. and Maya C. .
They further opine that the ban cited above means the end of civilization.
I concur.

TOBACCO INDEX


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