GLUTEN FREE DIET
Gluten, she wished me to know, is a deadly poison!
Wheat was the devil's own food product.
Eliminate it! Now!
Sweatheart, I do. I eliminate it nearly every day.
Well, actually, it IS every day.
I love my wheat.
The problems with gluten, according to her yoga instructor and several knowledgeable friends, are that it poisons the gut and stunts natural growth, leading to such ailments as autism, chronic headaches, indigestion, and a lowered sex drive.
Given that the two most populated countries on the planet have cuisines very largely dependent on gluten, one might hope for the sake of all of us that at least that last ridiculous assertion might be right.
Unfortunately it's just as bogus as all the others.
The normal diet naturally should include gluten; it's one of mankind's primary sources of protein, and the foods that contain it are the building blocks of civilization. We are meant to consume gluten.
Less than one percent of the population actually has any real problems with gluten; the rest are raving hysterics bucking for the "I'm so frickin' special I could scream" medal.
They need to get over their fine selves.
In fact, a gluten-free diet will lead to exactly all the problems which she enumerated. Besides causing malnutrition-based psychosis, and insanity in rats. Which her shrill puritanism on that subject demonstrated. Amply.
The main reason that so many Americans have health problems is NOT gluten -- mankind has eaten gluten-rich products and thrived for several thousand years -- but that so very many Americans are, on the whole, fat lazy slobs who eat badly, eat too much, and don't chew their food. That long aisle of pills and liquids for digestive discomfort at Walgreen's is based almost entirely on our affection for high sugar, high salt, greasy, non-nutritious crap.
Don't cut gluten from your diet, that's as ridiculous as going vegan.
Feel free to have some nice bacon-wrapped grilled oysters.
And steamed fatty pork with shrimp-paste.
Just eat vegetables also.
No, forget about carrot sticks as a snack. The carrot is a thoroughly nasty protestant thing, especially in its raw state. And lettuce-based salads are far less exciting than you think. Lettuce should be cooked. Perhaps with a little oyster sauce added. Which. Contains. Gluten.
Expand your narrow horizons, experiment.
Here's a short list of items available in San Francisco.
I know this, because I saw them.
In the last week.
Black eyed peas
Tofu and tofu products
Wood ear fungus
With the exception of carrots and lima beans, everything in that list tastes nice. If you cannot find at least half a dozen things that can be turned into good food, you are a culinary disaster and need to be put down.
As a bare minimum, add some bacon, cheese, and Jalapeños.
Or sauté with ginger, scallion, and garlic.
A dollop of oyster sauce.
By the way: most hot-sauces contain vinegar. As do many other fine condiments. And several contain wheat in some form besides.
Real pizza cannot be made without it.
Gluten: it's the staff of life.
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