A while back I started paying attention to my blog stats and discovered that a whole host of strange people visit this site.
An essay which I had innocently titled 'fat little virgins', because I liked the delicious hint of naughtiness in that name, attracted a steady stream of readers for several years.
That post was about herring as the Dutch prefer it - within its first year of life, before it has ever produced offspring, and while it is storing up fat for winter in the North Atlantic.
The fat content is the key, as it is that which makes it delicious and flavourful.
It has not gone through a reproductive cycle yet.
And it is immature.
Dutch raw herring is, in every way, a "fat little virgin".
Fish-flavoured baby fat. Yum.
[Warning: people who easily blanch may want to leave at this point. It only gets worse.]
Herring was probably not what the wayward visitors who found my blog were actually expecting.
Same goes for the people looking for "sex with horses Netherlands", "I can see your nipples", or "bestiality blogspot".
The nipple phrase steered curious deviants to a post about not speaking fluent French, the equine Dutch post mentioned in passing a loophole in Dutch law, and the word "bestiality" may have cropped up occasionally whenever I was being petulant about some outrage in the rest of the world.
Obviously these folks were immensely disappointed. Because they aren't my target audience, that does not sadden me. As a demographic they do not meet my specs.
But I do very much enjoy teasing them at times.
Which, of course, explains some of my more peculiar posts over the past two years.
[All search criteria eventually pull up something depraved, all subjects eventually attract the attention of a degenerate.
The internet exists for three things: recipes, kitten pictures, and pornography.]
And, on that note............
A MAN WITH TWO PENISES!
Not everyone knows a man with two penises.
But you, dear reader, do.
You know me.
And I know two other men like that too.
One of them is deceased, the other is in Massachusetts.
This I mention in part to titillate the degenerate random reader.
I once owned two penises, I knew the previous owner, and I know who has them now.
The penises were in a very handsome presentation box.
I actually no longer have the penises.
But I should've kept ONE of them as a conversation piece.
Tiger penises are believed by many Chinese to be beneficial for the male sex drive. There is no evidence that they have any effect whatsoever, but the spiky appearance of the feline progenitive organ is fearsomely impressive, and that created the idea.
Cat-family phalli have cartilaginous barbs that "stimulate" the females, and cause the release of ova.
In addition to being a quite objectionable sensation.
They look sexually phenomenal.
Before you start squawking about perverse Chinese male obsessions with sex, let me remind you that Hugh Heffner is a white man, and so is the publisher of Hustler. President John F. Kennedy, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Roman Polanski - all as Caucasian as they come.
And Sildenafil was invented in the Western World.
We are quite as twisted as they are.
Just not into the soup.
I should also point out that when you dry a tiger penis, normal tissue reduces far more than cartilage - so there really is no mistaking which animal that thing came from.
You cannot fake a tiger penis.
When I still lived in North Beach I once helped two women clean up their dad's apartment after he had passed away.
I had known him during his last years of life, and he lived nearby. His daughters were people I had met a few times in Berkeley years before. One of them was the mother of a classmate.
I was the person who discovered the old gentleman on his kitchen floor after the stroke and called the ambulance.
After he got to the emergency room I contacted his family, and went back to the apartment to collect his medication so that the doctors would know what he had been taking. He recovered consciousness a few times over the next two weeks in the hospital, but faded in and out.
The last time he just didn't fade back in again.
Several weeks after the funeral his daughters decided to pack up what should be kept, donate what was not treasured, and clean the apartment thoroughly so that the building could be sold. Their parents had moved in after both women had left home, and had lived there together for two decades. There was a lot of stuff, including everything of their mom that their dad had kept.
They discovered the presentation box of tiger penises in the kitchen cabinet.
I had to explain to them what those things were.
They were surprised and disconcerted. Plus appalled.
Two penises in a box are odd. It is highly unlikely that they were a matched set, but who knows. The presentation box was bright pink, and had butterflies surrounding the clear plastic window that allowed one to inspect the items within.
The characters 虎鞭 were printed on in gold, so I know that it was originally intended for that precise penile purpose.
Not just some empty bonbon box re-used.
[Many Chinese will prefer to give two identical items when gifting, because that shows attention to detail and cultural nicety. So a pair of penises in a nice box makes complete sense. But most other precious tonics are also sold in gift-boxes.]
Both women were in their fifties. Neither had ever seen a tiger penis. They knew that many elderly Chinese men were notoriously rampant - but surely not their father?!? Why, it wasn't even that long since their mom had died, and they had always believed that Dad was a decent moral man!
Why would an eighty seven year old widower need sexual tonics?
I pointed out two things to them. The first being a picture of their parents dancing during their fiftieth wedding anniversary several years before, the second being that the presentation box was unopened - there was still a sticker promising two genuine all-natural tiger penises sealing the lid.
And look at how dusty that box is!
The photo of the two old people dancing showed a trim elderly gentleman in a tuxedo holding a slim, petite, elfin looking woman in a skin-tight cheongsam, who had white hair but no wrinkles. Clearly she was one hot mama at sixty seven, why look at that figure!
Was there any reason to believe that their father had been interested in anyone else? What made them think that the old couple had not still felt passion for each other?
If their father had bought the tiger penises (though more than likely they were a gift from a friend), it may have been simply so that he could keep up with his wife. In the photo she looked like she was still quite lively.
The suggestion that their mom and dad remained madly in lust with each other into old age elicited loud groans from both of them.
Not everyone is comfortable with the idea that their parents are sexual beings.
But they conceded it was possible. Likely even. Shudder.
And it would explain why the seal on the box was unbroken.
The old gentleman hadn't needed any tiger-penis soup after his wife died.
When they wanted to throw the leathery things away I argued passionately that it would be a sin! Those things are expensive! Precious even, especially now that you cannot get them anymore. It was illegal to sell tiger penises, had been for several years.
They just weren't available at any price, and it would be such a horrid waste!
A number of local herbalists were busted because they didn't know the law.
Don't throw away the penises, just find someone who can use them.
Re-gift the penises! Someone will want them!
The box was set aside.
As we continued sorting and packing up stuff, one of them remarked that the tiger penises reminded her of the time she discovered a vibrator in her daughter's room. She had never seen one of those things before either, but because of what it looks like, one cannot mistake the purpose. When her daughter came home during spring break, she confronted the young woman.
Why did she have something like that? Was she that sex-crazed that she had to have it?
Was there something physically abnormal about the girl?
Did she really need that horrid thing?!?
"Of course not. And it's broken anyway. That's why I forgot it when I left."
Broken? How on earth does one damage a dildo?
Well, it turned out that there was a machine inside, and moving parts. Eventually things spin out of control. The mother had never thought about that. And there aren't any places where you can get it fixed when it stops working.
That, too, was mildly surprising.
White people were so wasteful!
Chinese people would still find a use for it even if it was broken.
"That's probably why she didn't just throw it out, huh?"
Instead of reacting, the woman happily speculated that sometimes when those things break, wheels inside go flying off violently, splintering the plastic from the inside, so that it looks kinda like a tiger penis! How awful that would be!
Shards, teeth, and sharp cutting edges!
Not at all what you hoped for when you switched it on!
The woman blamed herself for her daughter's unfortunate appetites, as the girl's father was a white man.
"You know, hairy, not like Chinese.
" I think she was implying that her child had inherited animalistic tendencies from the Caucasian parent, but I didn't press the matter, as I was beginning to suspect that there was more here than met the eye.
Wild animalistic tendencies? Hmmmmmm.
She was glad her daughter was herself married now - the young husband should never even suspect that her daughter had wrecked a vibrator.
But in any case the crazy girl didn't need it anymore, having gotten a large kwailo.
It was a secret mom would carry to her grave. Her lips were sealed.
No one would find out about it.
I wondered how many other people she had told about the busted appliance - judging from the older sister's face, she had already heard.
By the pained boredom evident in her expression, probably several times.
That's one secret which is well on its way to becoming a treasured part of family history.
Probably a sacred narrative by now.
Good thing the girl's husband is also white.
There are just some things you don't tell Caucasians.
PUT THIS TO GOOD USE
A few days later both women took me out to lunch to thank me for my attentiveness to their father when he was still alive, and the help I gave them after he had passed on. I had already refused any recompense for my time, they had tried to force payment on me repeatedly out of a sense of obligation, recognizing that I had gone out of my way.
But I didn't need the money. The old gentleman had been a friend.
When lunch ended, one of them handed me a shopping bag, and said "here - I'm sure he would have wanted you to have this
One doesn't examine gifts in the presence of the giver, so I just thanked her effusively. Too kind!
After they left I looked inside the bag.
It was a presentation box.
I few years later I got rid of the tiger penises. I wasn't going to use them, and I didn't want them hanging around my quarters. Those items were likely to scare visitors or give a completely wrong (i.e. 'nutsoid') impression to any young ladies who might possibly drop by.
Truth be told, they were rather creepy, and I felt guilty keeping the things.
So I gave them to a friend who was moving back to Massachusetts.
Last I heard, they were on display over his mantel.
I'm not surprised he's still a bachelor.
He's kind of perverted.
Two or three weeks from now there will be a post on this blog entitled "naked schoolgirls".
That being another search-criterium that pulls in strangers.
It will be entirely safe for work, despite the provocative, nay, zesty! subject.
Pervert taunting - it's what pure-minded young lads like myself excel at.
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All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
Labels: Cantonese Women, Pervert taunting, San Francisco Chinatown, Talk-story